24 MAR 2021

The thought of me having no personality came 

to me, and it was fairly reasonable.

But then it occurred to me that one does not have to be remarkable.

I used to think that I need to be good at something, more so than anyone around me. Be into some kind of subculture, that makes me more edgy and different from everybody.

The thing is, I am indeed a one off limited edition. Even with identical twins who share the same DNA, they are unique individuals on their own. One's existence is more important than its essence. Or whatever that quote translates to in English. Being itself, is more important than its properties.

If I upload all my memories to a computer who have AI to implement all those data, it is still, not me.

In fact, I am quite different from everyone around me. It makes me different, and not different at the same time. Everyone is.

Reading three books in the same field makes you more informed in that field than the majority of people. Liking something indicate a preference for something. All these accumulate to form an individual quite different from anyone in this world.

We do not need to be remarkable, in fact the majority of people in the world is far from what we consider to be remarkable. From a statistics point of view, it is not likely that we could achieve '15 minutes of fame' in our lives anyway.

People who went viral from tiktok is unlikely to foresee themselves doing so either.

Why bother to make yourself a little more different than the past yourself and make the present yourself miserable?

One could be quite remarkable and unique already, in the eyes of a loving family and close friends. That is what should matter, more so than however many followers on twitter who barely know you.

4 MAR 2021

The endless desire for more.

There is always a desire for something we don't have. It may  be wealth, status, items, love, anything.

The problem is, when the novelty wears off, it does not seem to make our life that much better.

What we do not have is always better than what we already have. We were never taught to be satisfied with what is in our possession. It may not be the best, but it might be just the right one.

We were taught to bring more and more into our homes, when we often have too much and need to discard of what is useless and meaningless.

Modern advertisements further reinforce the idea that material items will make our life better, and make us superior to others.

Even after embracing minimalism, I often find myself in desire for something. These boots would make me look that much better. These utensils would make making coffee that much easier. Or I need that set of antique teacups when I have guests over. The fact that my pair of basic Dr. Martens lasted years, the fact that I have been having instant coffee, and never have friends coming over were thrown out of the window.

These were desires masquerading as needs. As though I try to convince myself that I am not going to get a reasonable amount of use out of these items, I still want them. I tell myself that was just a suggestion and I was not obligated to purchase them. 

The items on my wish list was frankly quite ridiculous.

A pair of boots that looks like my oxfords as boots. Nobody is going to notice if I had a different pair.

Shirts that looks exactly like those I already have half a dozen of.

Antique tableware that is only going to be used when I have guests, which is never. I have gave some of them out because I was not getting much use out of them and the excess was just occupying space. Antiques cost a ridiculous amount of money, too.

That killstar messenger bag that is always out of stock. Just because it looked a tad more casual that the one I carry when going to work. Seriously, who is going out during COVID?

 In retrospect, the desire to own these items were rooted in the idea of not being "goth" enough.

A coffin or skull shaped bag screams "goth". A set of black teacups says "goth" more than those in white and gold. 

 There was a time when I worked briefly in a place that had a dress code. It was basically all black and does not cause me much problem when transitioning into their style, and that stuck around. I no longer work there but I enjoy the black blazer and shirts, oxfords, etc.

There was a time when I go very extreme with my appearance. When I think it would justify me being "a goth". The truth is, the goth or metalhead scene that I identify myself with, was the least judgemental in appearance. 

Wearing all black is enough to turn heads, not to mention weird hairstyle and piercings and such. Having piercings on the face was enough to be seen as an outlaw. It does not matter if I look very extreme, People probably do know me by that one with blue hair. Or a lot of piercings. Whatever.

Dressing to the extreme and be extra dramatic for shock value was not always worth the effort. It was a sign of lack of confidence and feeling a need to justify oneself.

Sure people in that subculture may admire that fantastic look, and that somehow translate to authority within that circle. It was weird.

People put in great effort in making themselves look a particular way in order to not be mainstream, ended up with a uniform of that particular subculture. People in the lolita scene all have AP dresses. People in the metal scene all have long hair, wear black band tee with jeans.

When I was in Revo fanclub events everyone had the same Linked Horizon bag and we have to put different ornaments on it to tell them apart...

We dress so different and end up to be the same. Isn't that ironic?

 

The older I grew the more I value quality, convenience and comfort. Dressing up is for special occasions, because it is worth my effort.

For friends I knew for over a decade? Pajamas is alright because they already knew who I am and they would not take me less seriously when I am in pajamas.

Being a metalhead and a goth was such a huge part of my identity. Lusting over some bass guitar and album used to be everything I cared about.

Reaching down to why am I interested in the scene was my love for melancholic and often grotesque art and music. As long as I still have the same preference, whether or not I dress like it screams goth does not matter as much.

There was an age for being an edgelord and there was an age to be totally cool with washing the dishes when asked by your mom.

When I dressed to say "I goth", that was for some statement. That I am different, I like this look, etc.

Now I do not have insecurities that will cause me to dress in an extreme manner. I spend most of my time in pajamas and that one day in a month where we have tea parties or something does not define who I am. And the friends who are not afraid to go out with you when you look like some teenage edgelord were true friends.

When I think something does not suit my style and proceed to change it, does it self expression? When I think something is not "goth enough" and wanted to change it, does it mean I am buying into the stereotype or was it truly myself? 

Was intentionally fitting oneself into an image closer to expressing oneself?

 

Clothing do enhance confidence, but enough confidence is going to make anything cool. If I was able to wear my Jack Skellington onesie anywhere I'd be a happier person than I am now.

The truth is what I consider very casual and "normal" had people comment "you look like you're from Black Butler"or something. Me carrying a skull around or not is likely not going to make a lot of difference.