20 JUNE 2022

 It has been 3 weeks since I started taking testosterone.

I have eaten more and gained weight since.

Also I gave myself a sideshave and dyed my hair bright blue. felt more comfortable with my haircut. I don't really mind my hairline, it is fine. just don't go further back than it is already.

As for gender expression, I have found myself leaning more towards masculine than feminine. People still perceive me as feminine because of my body and feminine features, I don't really mind anymore.

However I dress, people will perceive it as masculine or feminine largely based on my body. Because I do not dress extremely masculine nor feminine.

I have a very feminine body, despite binding on a daily basis. That I think is the reason why I lean towards msaculine expressions to compensate.

There is no typical way of dressing non-binary, I think. Even if you have a beard and wear heels, people see you as drag. 

 

I don't think I can ever develop a beard. Not that I want one.

I do feel more at home with my body despite gaining weight, and I do feel like I want to work out and build a more muscular body. I want to feel proud of my appearance, and be able to see I worked hard to look good.

I used to think I would feel dysphoric about gaining weight, surprisingly I ...kinda don't? It that because I feel like I am gaining muscle instead of fat? I am getting bigger for sure, but I don't really know if it is muscle of fat. I am still quite squishy! The only thing is, my face has gotten rounder and fatter...

10 JUNE 2022

Well. The last week was not interesting. But I have made peace with the fact that I took testosterone and nothing happened. Also got over the fear of telling my mom because, it is what it is. 

 

Regarding my identity as gender X. There is no social conatruct for third gender, yet. Trying to put non-binary people in different boxes that define gender is just not right. There is no social construct for their gender role. There is no physical attribute to non-binary. It is chaotic.

 

I have an assignment due in 2 weeks and I have not began writing it.

Gave myself a side shave and bleached my hair. It was so harsh on the hair I decided to leave bleaching the 3rd time and dyeing it blue for later.

 

When I said I would be fine with just two weeks to live, it was more than lyrical reference. I genuinely want to be so sick that I cannot be expected to achieve anything. And be applaued for just being alive.

 

i don't want to live but I don't feel like ending my life just yet. Just barely hanging on.

I know that I am unable to take criticism. Grtting things done and not just give up is too damn hard. I am exausted. The way I pick myself up and still go to work, did laundry and get dressed was a miracle.

2 JUNE 2022

It has been 2 days since my first dose of T was injected.

4ml for 8 weeks.

So far the only thing that happened was the pain on my bum where it was injected.

Oh well.

Also I have received my BPAL order recently. I ordered so many that they gave me 2 free 5ml bottles... ummm, thank you for the freebies!

My eyes did hurt for 3 days straight after LASIK. It was okay now.