It has been a while. I stopped updating because I was too caught up in my eating disorder.
I have lost around 5 to 6kg since April. forgot where i started at.
My eating habuts were mostly restricting intake to 500 to 800 kcal per day.
Towards the end of last year, I have failed to fit in the clothes I wore the year before. I stopped having an extra bowl of noodles at night.
Then I had protein shake for breakfast (instead of bread). Things went downhill since May. I have began counting calories, weighing myself every day and eventually every time I eat or drink or after I went to the bathroom.
I remembered being just as absorbed in my eating disorder few years before, when I had a high restrictive diet and I was out of it quite fast because my weight plateaued.
There was nothing as exciting as seeing the numbers on the scale drop. Boom. Instant results. Unlike practically anything in life, I finally had somthing I have control over. I starved, and I get results.
My first goal weight was at a BMI of 15.6. I am currently less than 1kg away from it.
After realizing hitting that goal weight would not make much of a difference (given than I am underweight at the start of this), I lowered my goal weight to a BMI of 14.
That would make a difference, wouldn't it?
I suspect that I would never be satisfied unless I was inpatient. That would prove that I am thin.
I literally cannot see myself as being thin. I look at a picture of a person and think that I am at least 5kg heavier but when I overlay the picture I took of myself over it, I am actually the more skinny one. Body dysmorphia did me dirty.
Every day I think that I am actually eating, I am just on a diet I am not like those who fast for days. I am just on a diet. That's it, I am not skinny enough to have a problem.
I want people to notice my weight loss, but at the same time I don't want them to because that would mean they definitely knows that I am fat before.
There is nothing like knowing that I am losing weight. Not skinny yet, a work in progress nonetheless. I love myself when I fast.
At the same time I buy clothes in 2XL to hide my body. Oversize is on trend every now and then, right?
It is addictive. To have control over something, and being rewarded with results every so often.
Wanting to be so ill that my life revolve around this. Wanting to be so ill that nothing can bother me. Wanting to suceed in the only thing I am good at.
My ego is so inflated and at the same time so defeated.
Loving it when I feel my bones. Hating it when I feel soft tissue underneath my skin.
More and more hair fall out when I wash it.
Feeling dizzy and lost vision for a few seconds every time I stand up.
Having stomachache every time I ate more than usual.
I lie to myself that I will eat normally when I reached my goal weight, when in fact I do not know if I will be able to.
I lie to myself that I can eat without counting calories when I reached my goal weight, when in fact the goal weight will only be lower and lower.
I lie to myself that I will be okay, when I skipped vitamins and protein for the sake of restricting more.
I want to be told that I am thin. That I am thin enough and don't need to lose more. But I know for a fact that those are close to me told me that same thing when my BMI was 18.5.
The usual 'thinspo' does not to the job. I look for pictures where people look like they were about to die from their low body weight for triggers.
I want to be so thin that I 'beat' those are in the pictures.
