25 DEC 2020

The reason I am a vegetarian.

It started when I was a teenager and my mother is starting to look into Buddhism. I am not a believer myself, but this made my way to a vegetarian diet much easier.

I remember trying to switch to a vegan diet at first, and failing because it is nearly impossible to find bread without eggs or milk.

I do not remember exactly the reasons I was interested in veganism or vegetarianism. I was not a fan of meat to begin with, and after reading all the benefit of cutting it out of my diet, it is just a 'why not'.

Consuming meat do not make me uncomfortable (because of animal cruelty or religious beliefs), and I adore leather products. I admit that I am a selfish human being, choosing to consume eggs and dairy because it suited my needs, knowing how cruel the industry was. In fact, if a leather product is made of human skin, and look nice enough, I will probably not care about it either.

A corpse of a cow is a corpse, and a corpse of a human is a corpse too. I do not see a problem in consuming human flesh apart from health concerns. However, supporting the leather industry is supporting animal slaughter. Sometimes the most valuable part of an animal is their skin. When that was the case, meat is only the by-product of leather.

Will the slaughter of animals ever be merciful? No. It is forever a cruel act. For some people, this is not  their concern. They will argue that killing a plant and killing an animal is killing nevertheless, yet they would refuse to kill a fish for a dish themselves. This, I do not understand.

It is just that I do not feel bad for the massively produced animals, farmed for their meat. The eggs and dairy industry is often more cruel. Whenever a process is profitable, there will be people doing it.

Farming animals for their meat is just like people breeding animals for profit. The difference being the animal is not being killed

Animals are being genetically modified, just like how people breed animals to keep as pets.

Male chicks were grind to death because they cannot lay eggs.

The world will certainly be a better place if the meat industry do not exist. Better environment, more sustainable, all that jazz.

Synthetic leather is a problem on its own. It is less durable, creates more waste over time and is not biodegradable. The real problem, to me, is fast fashion.


Eggs and dairy are a cruel industry. But taking them out of my diet is going to be hard, especially when dining out or buying a bread to eat at work or as breakfast. Being vegan is going to cause quite a lot of trouble, therefore I found my comfort zone in a vegetarian diet.


On raw food.

It is always good to see what is in your food. But I do not agree on preaching like it is superior to other foods. It is just being conscious about what you eat. However, a more Eco-friendly lifestyle is not a bad thing to enjoy. 

People do not get fat or heart attacks because of having one chocolate bar. It depended on the entirety of

We all know fruits and vegetables are good for your health, but don't beat yourself up over having a cupcake once in a while.


18 DEC 2020

Happiness.

Humans are never able to feel satified with what they already have. Their want is unlimited.

Pain and suffering happens when we are not able to attain certain things, accomplish certain goals, fulfil certain needs. 

The truth is, most of them was inflicted upon ourselves. The satisfaction of the last purchase and achievement will wear out and we are back to how happy we were beforehand.

We can only inflict pain upon ourselves in cause of what we care about. We feel sad when a beloved item eventually wears out and needed to be put away. That sadness would not have occured if we do not own the item at the first place.

We are materialistic and care about our posessions. But at the same time we seemed to not care enough of what we need to treasure. We may own a antique teapot and now we want 4 set of cups to go with it. We put our focus of what we think we need to obtain, instead of appreciation of how good the tea is when you brew it using the teapot. We do not think about, what if we never had the habit of drinking tea and therefore never thought of having teapot and teacups?

The Diderot effect. We obtain new possesions, and it lead us to a spiral of obtaining other items.

True appreciation of an item, is using it properly until it wears out and become unusable, not able to be reaired, and have served its purpose. Just like how we appreciate food, by eating it.

We constantly want to attain more, it is our nature. We are never able to be satisfied. 

We can never fear for losing something we never obtained. The more we have in our posession, the more we have to worry about. 

If we leave our phones in our room, we do not fear for having it stolen from us in a crowded area of the city. 

We fear for losing the memory of a family trip, therefore we keep the ugly magnet on the fridge. The truth is, we do not lose the memory, we have simply loose a magnet on the fridge. There is something about the material world that connects to us so deeply, our mental state is greatly influenced by it.

We put so much of our attention into things we do not own, the dream house, dream job, dream car, and let what we think is missing dictate how happy we are. We imagine how happy we would be with it, when they are not yours.

We also think that our happiness is based on what we own, how we dress, how many friends we have. In fact, we woulf eveentually be back at how happy we were from the start.

We put so much value on material items, other than its purpose. We care about how a coat makes us look, more so than the warmth we feel when wearing it. We care about its price, its brand, its style. Its social function may outweigh its functionality.

Having that particular coat may make you feel better when you wear it for the first time. Yet we do not think about the other half a dozen of coats we have in our wardrobe, that made you feel the same way when you brought them. In reality, you can make it through the seasson just fine with one, and now you have to think every morning about which one to wear, because you own half a dozen of them. 

To some, thinking about what to wear everyday is their way to happiness. The point is, if this does not bring you joy, it only add up to the clutter in our minds, drifting us further away from what we see as truly important.

I like it when not a lot of things may occupy my mind. I can choose to deeply analyze each and every thing on my mind, or simply not worry about anything.

There are triggers that makes us want more. It may be comparison to your cousin, ads on a webpage, or items shown at a store.

You may feel like you are not wealthy enough, smart enough, or good looking enough. 

It is the best to eliminate these triggers, identify what they make you feel, and deal with it there. 

It may be by comparison, idolizing certain people, self-loathing, and many more reasons.

We see beauty in what we are lacking. Trggers are things that spark an idea of you lacking certsin qualities. It may be your cousin with a PHD, that makes you think you did not do a good enough job in the academic criteria. It may be a haul video, that makes you think you fall short in aesthetic or taste.

When different people were exposed to the same item, different results may be yield. You either do not care, think that you are superior, or think that you are inadequate. You only feel pain when you feel like the trigger is present in qualities you do not posess.

Stop subscribing for mail lists, megazines, and channels that promote and inflict such feelings. Stop stepping into shops that you know you cannot resist from buying things from. Stop thinking that these triggers are your entertainment.

Appreciate what you have obtained and accomplished, you are the dream of yourself in the past. 

Our lives are not as bad, without what we desire at the moment. 

People say enjoy small pleasures in life. Of course there are ways to make you temporarly happy, getting drunk and mindlessly playing video games do too. The pleasure that we seek, should not be as always this short sighted.

Aristotle had the idea, eudaimonia, which roughly translate to wellness. There were studies done in how to achieve it, such as discovering oneself, the enjoyment of being enlightened, persue of greatness, etc. Eudimonia is more than just happiness, in order to achieve eudimonia, one is to be curious of oneself and thd world arount them, to seek knowledge, to seek fulfilment of oneself. It is not a goal, not a checklist of what to do, but a process of seeking good. 

We work now in order to save up for our retirement. We may not enjoy working but we do so for a greater good. Knowing to delay our gratification is the key. If we all play video games and not work right now, we may end up with poverty and regret.

I personally want to save up enough money to support a modest life on passive income. Although I do not completely reject going outside. It is more preferred not to.

There are certain things that they are not essential, but preferred to have, money is one of them.

Iam trying to not waste money, in order to save up for investment. Also trying to only purchase what is essential. 

There was items that I have been wanting for half a year and I have not purchased. Nnew boots, new clothes, new perfumes. 

There was things that I have purchased and regret, because it was not essential. After a while, realizing the joy they can bring is greater than the price I paid, I may as well not beat myself up for buying it and enjoy.

That was about dyeing my hair blue. It turned out a bit green because if I bleach too much my hair will break off from the middle, therefore they were brown when I put blue hair dye on. Whatever. A murky dark blue mixed with a bit of green looks quite sinister.

There seems to be always something more to be decluttered. Just that it was not always clutter and are things that sits in a cabinet and is organized. 

The fact that I always see things not being organized but was not my things, I feel frustrated. To cope with it I declutter my own stuff.

There were empty drawers and I feel frustrated about it too. I feel like it should serve a purpose and store things.

It has got into my head and I need to stop being obsessed over this.

Feels like I cannot stand an item not being used and occupy space. I try my best to eliminate things that I do not use. I want a simple life and if everytfhing is on fire I can recover shortly.

In fact, there was no fire and no need for it.

I want a very simple life. Away from distractions and away from worries. I do not want too many things to haunt me and have my mind constantly occupied. Sometimes the illusion of being very busy is what we impose to ourselves.

Emails do not need to be replied asap. Twitter does not need your constant attention. Just because something exsists, does not make it necessary for you to invest your time in it. 

The less my mind is stimulated and the more space I have for myself and my mind, the less I tend to be triggered. Of course, there were things that I cannot stop worrying about. having less on my mind is taking the burden away from my sholders.

Interaction with people is trouble to me, therefore I choose to connect with only a few who knows me well.

Going outside means getting lost and trouble to me, therefore I choose to go out for only a few things.

I would rather be bored than overwhelmed. I am easily overwhelmed and I want less to think about, less to worry about.

Boredom drives people to seek new things, to learn, to be curious.

When mindless consumption is easily available, people were drawn to it due to efficiency. When fast food is easily available, people have fast food instead of cooking for themselves.


Scent of the day: The Apothecary

I have been wearing this very often in the recent week. It is herbal, dried herbs with a touch of floral and ginger. 

15 DEC 2020

 日本語を学びたいと思っていました。然し、それのためだけに。

為せ日本語が学ぶ?日本の文学がすぎ?アニメがそぎ?それでも文化のか?

日本語を学ぶの、日本語で書かれた文章を読むからです。そして、日本語で会話する。

読みたい日本文学はありますか?日本語を対話するの人有りますか?

もし読みだいの本はありません、さらに対話するの人はありません。日本語で書くのSNS垢と2チャンねるをブラウスのか?それは傷々しい。

アニメか何かそんなにない。日本の文化はあまり興味はない。

それぞれの国はそれぞれの問題に有る。他国の問題に考えるそして問題を解決するはありそうもない。自分に迷惑をかけるだけ。

かなり、太宰治を読むください。

そして自分の事をにもかかわらず。


Enough of my horrifying Japanese. 

Today I am more interested in cyber secuirity than other things.

I tried to have Linux running in an android phone the other day. It was a low end Samsung phone, loaded with a ton of crappy apps that  will never use and was unable to uninstall.

Linux on the other end, is a completely open source operation system, and the user can decide on what software to install on it.

Apart from being in control of your devices' content, the device will theoretically run faster because less programms are running in the background.

People are now so used to smartphones that they can do perfectly fine without a lapptop or desktop when they have smartphones. People who owns a laptop may perfer to use their phone around the house instead of the laptop, of which is designed to be carried around with them.

We were so involved in Android and IOS, thinking that we must have these operation systems on our phones. The fact is, the phone originally was something to make and receive calls and text messages, later became an intergrated personal computer to carry around in our pockets. We don't need the computer to be running Android and IOS with a bunch of pre installed applictions that slow down our phones and constantly send our user data to their servers. All we want is a computer small enough to fit into our pockets.

I have expressed my distrust on Facebook multiple times previously. There was friend recommandations, whom I have no conncetion with whatsoever besides my boss. My boss' business partners, his dad and mom, his maid, and co-workers from 3 years ago, for real, whom I have no connection with apart from my boss' WhatsApp. Part of the reason I do not use Facebook is that I do not want to add my bosses and colleagues on social networking sites! I don't trust Whatsapp because it's owned by Facebook. Who knows what they do about our data?

The fact is that WhatsApp, an application designed for Android and iOS, has become the universal tool for messaging, is alarming. We cannot leave WhatsApp, just like how we cannot leave emails.

My preferred messaging app is Signal. It is open source, takes encryption and privacy seriously. Although some features are lacking (group calls and broadcasting messages), I can deal with it just fine.

There are more reasons we cannot go without a phone but can do just fine without a desktop or laptop. Android is such a well devloped OS, there are just a handful of things that an Android cannot do but a PC can. Some applications are 'must haves', such as online banking apps, messaging apps, Instagram or SnapChat if you are into that. Some applications were available exclusively on Android or IOS, like games. Added to the fact that we do need to carry our phone with our sim cards in it, to receive SMS from the bank and take phone calls. We cannot live without it like we can without Steam and PC games.

It would be a easier choice to use Android, it is convenient and well developed. It is enough for us to give up root access, some storage and even speed. There are tasks that you want to complete with a non-touch sccreen oriented device.

If you really need to write an essay or edit a excel file on the go, you may be better off getting your laptop with intergrated keyboard and mouse.

As for speed, the heavy duty tasks were video and photo editing, and gaming. Again, it would be better off to get on your PS4 or laptop for that. Unless it is also a game builld exclusively for phones, music oriented games maybe?

The perfect solution may be more demand for privacy from the users, to phone manufacturers. Phone manufacturers all costomize the android system their phones are running, for implementing apps to gain profit and for users to stick to their brand. The settings were different, the UI is different, although they are all running Android 10. People would not feel comfortable using a smartphone from another brand.

As for linux, it allows more freedom in how you choose to use your device. In what software you want in your device, what hardware are they allow excess, and what data you choose to send. 

Even if the user is not provicent in devices running on linux, because it is open source, other users can report an thus fix the possible issues. For example, they will notice when an application is having kernel excess when there is no need to.

The more easy solution would be user demanding more privacy and transparency on the Android platform. The fact that there are apps that gather more user data than that they should is a threat to our privacy, it is not to be tolerated.

13 DEC 2020

 The purpose of life.


We were born with nothing and will leave with nothing.

What is the purpose of life? Does not matter if your parents tried hard to have a lovechild or was born an accident.

Our instincts tell us to eat, sleep, gather resources in order to have a better chance of living. What else?

It seems to be perfectly happy to live for the sake of living. There seems to be no higher purpose of life, not that I am aware of.

People are born to evolve. That is the way things are. We are not born in order to have technology, it happens as a product of life. It happened because people want life to be a little easier for them.


The Greeks said that the world was driven by love. Schopenhauer said living evokes dissatisfaction, therefore people seek to satisfy it. 

In my opinion, both of the were not wrong. The love for not being in hunger, the distress of being in hunger, are what drives man to eat. Primal instincts drives man by both dissatisfaction and satisfaction. Punishment and reward. 

The fact is, man can never be truly satisfied. The ultimate satisfaction, the utopian world, heaven, is not possible to imagine, as man would lose their will to live.

We live as if we were forever. Once we come into realization that everything we do, what we care about, is only microscopic in the view of the entire world. One may live through their lives without worrying about the inevitable death. The thought of death that cause us so much distress, can be avoided by simply, not thinking about it.

Thinking about death all the time and making a fuss about it does not make you more intelligent, it makes you an edge lord.

What we care about the most today, may be insignificant in 5 years. So, what about our lives? Insignificant in a thousand years? 

We came here to experience live. Nobody knows exactly how long we have until our deaths. Everything is a gain as we were born with nothing.

Pain is inevitable, it is the only thing that will be with us until forever. The reason we have decided to not hang ourselves in the closet is because we found living more bearable than death.

We may not have a true calling, to relief others from the pain of life, or to make the world we live in a better place. The pain of living is lesser than that of dying, is enough to put people through.

Pain in French means bread, now you can look at the above paragraph and laugh about it


It seems to be the norm to live with our phones with us all the time. It used to be just in case your mom calls and ask when are you going to be home so that she can determine how much pasta to cook, it was now for mindlessly scrolling through social media.

We have forgotten about how we used to live when phones were not that popular, and equipped with so many features. 

Addicted to the internet and cannot live a minute without our phones are the new norm.

The fact is, when you are invested into one activity enough, everything else including your phone, becomes unimportant. 

People feel the need of multitasking when there is no need for it at all. Idle games were invented to make you go back every few hours, click a few buttons, and feel like we have accomplished something.

When we were overstimulated, we become restless. We think to ourselves that we are busy when things could be done in a short amount of time, one by one. We become anxious, worry about things we do not have control over. Become distressed and rush for everything.

Some things will sort themselves out without your attention. Just like how you water a plant and let it be for the rest of the day. 

Mindless consumption of media is dangerous. The stimulus of moving things and sounds are meant to catch our attention, and we easily devote ourselves watching recommended YouTube videos, and an entire season of soap opera on Netflix. 

We devote ourselves into mindless consumption of media, as a coping mechanism, to escape the tasks we have in front of us, the dissatisfaction of our lives in reality.

We may do this unknowingly. We may just think to ourselves, social media are fun and I like to scroll through it simply because I enjoy it. 

I used to have books with me all the time when I was small and phones were not smartphones. It was fiction that I enjoyed the most. This was my coping mechanism.

When I was older and have a smartphone, I found myself watching YouTube lets plays all the time and reading more fiction on my smartphone. This is unhealthy.


Another thing. When posting second handed items for sale, people always message you with the offer of insanely low prices. Even if I said clearly on the post no negotiations on price will be accepted and they will be blocked as soon as they ask. 

This is not about if you get a sweet deal or not. This is about respect. When one does not respect the rules and boundaries of another person, is that person worth dealing with at all?

This is the same as putting your hand on a lady's bosom without permission on public transport. Disrespectful.

11 DEC 2020

 Social media.


I have pretty much left social networking sites besides Twitter. And occasionally chatting on discord.


Social media can pretty much be describe as toxic. There are may reasons to it.

1. It is loaded with ads.

Ads are products of consumerism. One cannot be constantly told your need all these products and still be content with their lives. 

People nowadays think they need a diamond on their wedding rings all thanks to advertisements. It has become a norm to use rings with diamonds to propose. Advertisements are more powerful than we think.

2. They are distractions

Social networking sites have notifications turned on on default. Notifications are a form of distraction. It creates a sense of urgency, for us to look at the newest comment on our posts or the new like on our tweet.

In reality, it would not hurt if you reply to your friend's comment hours later when you are done with your work.

It is tempting, to open up an SNS app and check how many likes you have got, how many comments you have got, what post have people posted since last time you checked. Unpredictable rewards are more rewarding than if you knew what you would get opening those applications.

3. It is too easy to get overwhelmed by information and stimulus

Scrolling through timelines and homepages is easy. It is easy to get addicted to the flow of brightly colored pictures when you can do perfectly fine without them.

Passively receiving information from social media makes us less happy. When a person is looking at pictures of people's best version of themselves, they think to themselves why am I not as wealthy, good looking, own as much great things etc. 

It was 'fun' because it does not require and thinking while doing it. Our brains get stimulated and excited by pictures and sounds, often that is mistaken as 'fun'. That is probably the reason we have access to all of the knowledge you can imagine on our phones and still choose to watch cat videos.

4. Fear of missing out

The more you scroll through pictures of your friend's fancy meals and places that they have visited, without you, the more you feel left out. The more you feel lonely. 

Think to yourself, do I absolutely need to look into every acquiesces' lives and their shitposts?

When I had hundreds of friends on Facebook I unfollowed everyone except for 5, 6 people who I truly care about. And I sometimes get annoyed by seeing pictures of their food.

There are two reasons that I follow somebody, it is because I care about them or their posts are interesting. Some of the brands and friends you are following are neither of those. 

5. The 'need' for self exposure

When we post on social media, we feel accomplished and better about ourselves. We have this need because it is a form of socializing, and feeds into our ego.

The right amount of self exposure on the internet is hard to determine. We may have a tweet that goes completely against you boss' values or would not like to show to our grandmother. We may accidentally post a picture that shows the view outside of our homes and therefore expose where we live to everyone. It is dangerous because anyone could have so much information about you from scrolling through your profile page. What about a creep, or a stalker? A potential love interest?

My thought is, think to yourself if you can show this to your boss, grandmother and the creep who masturbate to your SNS profile. If the answer is yes, that is pretty much safe to post.


The above points that I have made is enough to get me off Facebook. And all the personal data concerns, user experience that is completely shit, etc.

There are reasons to keep them, too. For work, and for actively engaging socialization on it.

Socializing is the goal of being on social media platforms after all.

Posting a picture on the internet is far more easy than telling each and every one of your friends that you moved. Have a partner. Anything.

They can comment on it and share their thoughts. They can check your profile and catch up whenever they feel like it.

It is a more controlled and easy way to communicate, for people like me, who dislike socializing in general.

The more we choose to check on a specific friend, instead of mindlessly scrolling through the trending page, the more intentional and productive we are using social media.

9 DEC 2020

 Luxury.


Luxury by definition is non essential and expensive or rare. 


It was after working at a luxury brand that I learned what it truly meant. It was to let people feel like they are the utmost important person in the world.


I read a line where it states luxury is for the poor. It is partially true as the people who wear belts with a huge Gucci logo were those who think of themselves as needing those expensive items to show how much they are worth. Often times those designer items were the most expensive items they can afford. Some of the most wealthy people I met were very modest in the way they dress. They may enjoy watching movies in the comfort of their homes, have an entire room dedicated to it, and not brag about it.


Displaying bags and clothing with brand names written all across is a display of being insecure about oneself (and poor taste, when you can easily afford the most expensive things you stop caring about having a logo on it altogether). Demanding attention and respect. Even when I realized this, I was still experiencing insecurities about myself working there, thinking about wearing a sweater from uniqlo when it really doesn't matter. Wait, it does matter because it was poor quality but that was off topic.


If I was able to dress the same way I did buying booze at midnight in 7-11 and into harbour city buying presents for my mom, I would be happier than I am now.


I do not oppose the idea of luxury. It can be an item hard to obtain, and of the best quality in the business. Quality over quantity is key, and luxury brands are often those who put out the best quality products. Well made items are going to cost more, and being expensive is part of what makes luxury. The reality is we pay for more than what it is, we pay for our ego and so much more.


The experience of luxury brands are addictive. It lures you in for more. With all the psychological factors in place, it is hard to refuse. An item may be so hard to obtain that they can reserve it for you for no more than 2 days. Their staff member may be so welcoming that you feel guilty for not purchasing. The sale may be out tomorrow and you will miss out on that sweet deal forever.


When money is not a problem while choosing which item to purchase, the focus become less on luxury and more on quality. When buying vegetables we may pick organic or local vegetables regardless of price as it does not make much difference to us. Same with other things, people go for what they prefer in terms of style and quality and supporting small businesses etc. when they can easily afford items within the same category. A person who can afford an AP or Rolex watch may choose to wear Apple watch instead, just because they want to read WhatsApp messages on it.


When the focus is on whether or not the item reflect that you are able to purchase that expensive item, it is either you are not as wealthy as you may think or your ego depends on it.

7 DEC 2020

Consumerism.


The society we live in is filled with consumerism values. 

We are constantly overwhelmed by media and propaganda. 


Social media are filled with ads and people showing off the latest addition to their possessions. We identify and bond over items we own. 

It goes like this: we saw a particular lifestyle in the media. We look up to it and therefore purchase items in order to be closer to the figure we saw. Our friends and family did it, and if we do not do the same we do not feel like we blend in. 

The more time was spent on social media, the more we compare ourselves with other people.

Social media is vanity. It is a runway for the best version of ourselves. Post it if we had a fancy meal. Post it when we watched the latest movies. Post it when we got a shiny new item from the mall. We look up to the people who post selfies with face tune filters. We look up to a often unrealistic world that social media presents. 


Humans are very visual animals. First impressions on the person's appearance matters. We judge in order to find like minded individuals.

Dress to impress is simple. Bonding over core values is hard and time consuming. 

A colourful picture will get more attention than well-written, heartfelt poetry. Especially when people are trying to scroll through Twitter homepage as fast as possible. 

Even the AI on Twitter try to show the most interesting, eye catching part of the picture posted. 

People are drawn to people of similar appearances. It is a quick and easy way for judgment. You are more likely to talk to a clerk of same gender and similar age in stores when trying to look for something. The more similar they are to you, the more they seemed to be agreeable. 




Purchasing things has become more and more easy.

When internet was not as advanced, in order to buy something we must take a trip to the mall, get in the store, find what we need. That would have taken half a day off our lifes. The effort needed will make us think for a bit before buying the item, sit a little longer over the idea of purchasing. Planning our trip to the mall.


Nowadays, with phones in our hands, if we want something we type it into google and shopping takes as little as a few minutes. Leads to a lot of inpulse buying. 


On another topic. 

Our dad is an expert on computer and engineering. My bro's laptop is out of order, and the spare laptop is an entry level laptop, with rubbish hardware and is running windows 8. 

Hell, thinking about it is a nightmare on its own.

Anyway, it is running slow. And I have suggested installing Arch Linux on it.

That was quite a bad idea because I have failed to evaluate the situation. 

It was running slow not only due to outdated hardware, no. It was due to having too many useless programs installed and running in the background.

Come to think of it it was a miracle no malware was on it.

There was two reasons that contribute to this problem: the laptop coming with a lot of useless programs pre installed, and the user installing a lot of programs on top of it.

Linux allows more freedom when using the device, but the need for doing all my be troublesome on the user's end. Thus is does not necessarily free up ram or storage.


The past year was spent lament on my last job. The experience was intense as I worked two jobs simultaneously and have a bad relationship with co workers. 

It was a blur. Being a depressed recluse feels like every day is the last day of summer holiday.

The kid inside me do not want to face the cruel world and cling onto the comfort of home.

My goal now is to finish studying for my degree, get a job on translation, and save up enough money for a passive income enough to sustain a modest life style.

You read it right. Studying for my ultimate goal of being NEET.

6DEC2020

Gifts.

One thing that I do not understand, is exchanging gifts over Christmas. Giving others gifts over a religious figure, that serves no meaning towards the religion's' believes whatsoever. 

Using it as an excuse for family gatherings and an elaborate dinner, maybe. Although I do not agree completely on it.



The holiday has become a celebration for consumerism thanks to business. It generate a great deal of revenue. 

It is a norm to exchange gifts over the holiday. It was expected. Quite rude to not return a flavor. 

This is causing so much headache. Do I know one person enough to give them a gift? What do I get for them? 

The same goes for birthdays, too. I understand that it means a lot to a person, whatever years ago they unwillingly came to this world. It is endearing when someone knew it was a special day for you. Thank your mom for your birthday, in all seriousness.

If you know me and came across this, don't get anything for my birthday. 



How good would it be if a text or phone call is all we need to express that we care, instead of often useless gifts.

When the value of item as you view it is lower than the cost of the gift, it means time and money was wasted in generating this gift.

Gifs were given in special coactions as a curtsy. We give Christmas cards because it is a special holiday. We send post cards because it is from a special place. 

Texts and phone calls were expected every now and then. We do not give phone calls only for one special day in a year, we make phone calls whenever we want to chat. It takes a step further to make a text or phone call particularly meaningful.

It has been easier to purchase a gift and call it a day. 



Humans have been materialistic since the beginning of time. We gather food for survival, when we have excess we put them in our friends and family's stomach.  Food is love, and it later transition into various things as human evolve. We indulge in luxury when we do not worry about our lives. Put ourselves in jewels and silk. It has been the way it is.



On getting the "perfect" gift. 

We all say it is the thought that counts, but when you do not know the person well enough or simply want to please them, here are a few rules that I have concluded.

First, the better the recipient knows about the field your presents you give is in, the higher the chance of not picking the right one. The theory is, the more they know, the more they are specific on the subject. 

For example, your friend is into brewing coffee, you purchase a bag of expensive African coffee beans, and it turns out they prefer a specific kind of Latin American beans. If they were not into coffee at all, it may be alright because the quality of the coffee beans is significantly better than the instant coffee they drink every morning for a caffeine boost.

Secondly, the price of the gift better be slightly over what that type of item usually cost, best from a largely recognized brand. 

The point of wasting some more money on this gift is purely for vanity. It feels like you are generous (regardless of whether it is actually expensive), that you care about the person and looks good in the Instagram photo they were going to post. If the item is significantly cheaper than what that type of item usually cost, regardless of how good the product is, it makes you look cheap. Looks like you do not care about the person and is giving a gift just to get it over with.

Don't buy a Maybelline lipstick if you were to give a lipstick, get a YSL lipstick. It looks good on the vanity regardless of whether it is put into use or not. Don't buy Twining's tea leaves if you were to give tea, get Mariage Frères if your budget allows for it. It looks good on display. These were examples of items that does not cost a lot but feels very different when the extra money was spent. Prices that exceed their value means luxury, and luxury showcase status.

Another thing to note, is to get one single item instead of a pile of things when you can choose. Giving one single item is memorable, while giving a bunch of goodies feels like every one is insignificant. Feels like quantity to make up for quality. Again, this is regardless of cost.

Giving one Elder Scrolls game is more memorable than getting a Steam gift card, because the person is going tp remember it was Skyrim you gave them instead of some money for a lot of games on steam, of which they forget which game you paid for after a month. 

Giving a gift that reminds of the person you care about them and make them feel special is the goal of giving a gift. You want it to be remembered for the years to come.

Of course, an expensive item will always look good. If you give a person an iPhone, chances are they will either use it themselves or sell it on eBay.

There is nothing as a "perfect gift", but there are certainly some qualities that will make a gift better than others.

The ideal gift, is one that is priced over what the person is willing to pay for and is an item they have been eyeing on for a long time. The reason being if they were willing to pay for it they would have purchased it themselves.

It could be a laptop that is slightly over their budget. It could have been afternoon tea that they feel like is too extravagant. It can be anything they feel like luxury. 

The downside is, these are from a very materialistic value. It generates revenue, adds to the clutter we have in our homes, and probably bad for the environment.

Although not every person own Gucci bags and Christian Louboutin shoes, the majority of people we know are often materialistic to some extent (without knowing it).

There are exceptions, of course. 

You want the person feel your love and care through the gift, but giving a thoughtful gift is not always easy. Sometimes we see an item that reminds us of a person, and you have purchased it without thinking. Regrettably, it does not always translate as a meaningful gift on their end.

The truly precious gift, is a gift that cannot be brought, cannot be replicated. A very personal and intimate letter. A fluffy teddy bear that you made. A ticket to the movies that later became a date. These are heavily based on the relationship you have with the person. 



Lastly, I do not believe in Christianity and I have brought people gifts only because it does not hurt to give them something to show that I care about them.

Sucks to know that it was all consumerism and literally buying into it.

2DEC2020

 Minimalism.

One simple word. To put it in action, is a lot of effort and a lot to go through mentally.

It takes a lot to realize that what you want is not what you need. That possessions were a burden to bear. That purchasing things do not equal happiness. Greed mask themselves with necessity when it really means luxury.

Surely money can purchase happiness to some degree. When income increases, there comes all the things you think you need in order to live better. To resist the urge in cluttering our homes with shiny new things is difficult. We were never taught to want to live with less things, to focus on things other than material possessions. 

Clutter drags you down. The time and attention put into maintain them, the distraction they give, is an illusion of more the merrier and that of plenty.

It is simple to say that possessions does not define a person who they are. Maybe a nice meal to take pictures of and post on social media. Maybe that could earn you some likes. It is ego that it is feeding into, not status.

The truth is, it is just for show. For vanity. Not even your mom will care if you have this new jacket or not. Who are we showing it to? Just ourselves.

There are certainly things we keep for sentimental value. There are things that we keep that is a luxury. Minimalism is not to declutter everything and live like a monk, it is to be mindful about what you let into your life.

Letting go of things can be hard. Some things were expensive and hurts to let go. The items that give this feeling when trying to get rid of, is a reminder of a poor decision made in the past. Whether it is money spent, travelling, a job that you hate, or past relationships. It is putting salt on wound.

Being mindful of what makes you want to keep something, tells a lot about your values. A collection of books that were never read, keeping them makes me feels knowledgeable. A collection of clothes that were never worn outside of the house, is telling myself that I am worthy of respect due to a style I was into. Useless gifts that were given by family and friends, that tells me I am a good person by keeping them around.

These things hold a higher value in myself than to others. Having them makes me feel great. That is the reason I want to buy things, they make me feel like I am a better person.

This correlation to status and possessions were taught to us from the beginning. We look up to people who own things that we do not.

To pull out a YSL wallet from a Balanciaga bag, and pay for a set of Dior cosmetics. This is what my co-workers were like. 

I wonder how much money did hey spend on all this. They look very proud when they shows us these things. 

Would I want all of that? Back than, yes. But now, no. 

If I had them, I would have still wanted more. The new releases for the season. The on sale items that was never on sale. Another outfit for another occasion. A walk in closet to store all of that.

It is not about whether or not we are able to afford them, it is about whether or not be satisfied with what we have already own.


There is a trap that we put ourselves into when decluttering and embracing minimalism. Feeling bad that we cannot let things go. By having a picture of what minimalism would look like in our heads. Plain white walls, no decorations, just furnitures and a few books. 

The fact that we may never achieve such a scene and love to have things around hurts when comparing our homes with this "ideal" minimalistic life.

That is not what minimalism should look like. Not having only two outfit and never buying new clothes. It is possible, but not what we should absolutely achieve.

The goal is knowing what is needed and therefore own less, not the other way around.

Stop buying more pairs of shoes, instead of throwing all of them away. It is not to shop for "the perfect pair of shoes" that you wear in every occasion. It is being mindful of which pair you actually wear and which you do not need. 


Why do minimalism exist in the first place? What is it in the clutter that is dragging people down?

Is having a thing and not to think about it the same as not having the thing?

I feel like this is stepping into the psychological field. 

The reason we think things are better than what they actually are is the picture we paint in our minds of what we will be with that item in our possession. More so if we tell ourselves how good it will look in the eyes of others. 

A minimalistic view is pleasing to the eye. Clutter is a distraction. It gives an illusion of fulfilment when it is really not. The overly stimulated senses put us in stress and anxiety. 

We tell ourselves that our lives are better when we purchase things, all thanks to consumerism. Social media and propaganda trigger us to consume things beyond our needs.


I have always believed in decluttering things makes life better. Partially because I live in a cluttered household.

I have never looked into minimalism as hard as I did few months back. Holding back desires that cannot be afforded, sure. Decluttering, sure. This happens, all the time.

It was when I realized that owning things that I do not need is mentally draining. I deleted as much files and apps on my phone and computer as possible. 

Games makes me spend money on virtual items, therefore I deleted them. Scrolling through Facebook homepage and posts by brands makes me desire their products, so I unfollowed them. When the homepage is not cluttered with ads, it is much easier to search for things and be focused on it.

It was after doing all this that I feel like the pain of letting things go is microscopic comparing to the great satisfaction I get from decluttering. 

There are things that I have yet gotten rid of. Given more time and mentally channel myself to focus less on wanting things, I will be able to let them go eventually.

I do allow myself to keep some things for sentimental value. Those were things that cannot be purchased like letters my friends wrote to me. I know I would be sad throwing them away, therefore I have them in a box and revisit them from time to time.

My desk is still a shrine of perfumes and books. I know it is possible to get rid of, but I haven't. Maybe, when they have had their time.

Decluttering and minimalism do not happen over night. Still, I have a lot to learn and evaluate.

What I found interesting is, there were things that I know I have a use of but still do not want them around. Because I do not need them everyday. Part of the reason having many things is stressful.


23NOV2020

There is one thing that I notice about myself recently.

That is I often say that I want something and not actually wanting to purchase it, instead I am merely interested in it.

Examples being perfumes, gaming console, clothes...

And the realization that I think purchasing things would make myself happier, but not wanting things enough to actually buy it. Did consumerism get to me that bad already that the idea of spending hard earned cash on shopping would somehow make my life better?

I am glad that I am "awake" enough to know that owning too many goods are a burden and getting rid of stuff is more satisfactory than having to own more.

At what point have our lives become so focused on money? Our scholarly goals were set in the hope for earning more money. The more we earn the more we spend, on better living standards. Better houses, better clothes, better everything. From apartment to houses, from houses to mansion, from mansion to real estate... There seemed to be no end. There is no limit to greed.

There seemed to be no way out of this. We have been taught this from the start.

One may pursue relationships, raising their child, indulge on the interests. One may not be blinded by materialistic satisfaction.


Also, I have been more out of touch from this world. Not using social media a lot, not reading the news, don't care if there is a typhoon or not, not going out and not interested in the latest trend whether or not that was games or anime or something else.

Still on the fence on whether or not to dye my hair again because that means maintenance and trouble, rather than how it looks. 

There is a realization that the pursue of appearance is to pursue self expression and vanity. One example being how different I look when I do not go outside. I just don't give a fuck and take out piercings, not cut my hair and wear the oldest possible shirt for one week straight.


I still appreciate art like music and literature, but I just don't want to actively seek them.

There are so many things that have accumulated throughout the years that I want to get rid of. Too little was to keep me from happily die without regrets.

About me

Hello and welcome. 

D.E. stands for Damien Eldritch.

This blog is a diary. An archive of my life, and an insight to inside my head.


Some people identify as male, some identify as female. I identify as existential nihilism. 

Quite misanthropic and have a rather depressing taste in music.

Enjoy heavy metal, metaphysics and collecting perfumes.

Vegetarian and prefer vegan options when available. 

Live with cats.


Twitter, if you want to look at our cats.

Le Monde de Réglsse is where I put writings that are fiction (and that perfume project)

That's it for now. Thank you for reading.

4OCT2020

 On veganism and equality.


Once upon a time, when I seek philosophy channels upon YouTube, I came across interviews with pedestrians on philosophical arguments. 

There is one video where the interviewer interviewed two individuals in a pride gathering.

The interviewer brought up the idea of equality. Equality between human beings. 

Up until this point the interview seemed logical and rational. I agree that all human deserved to be treated fairly despite gender, sexuality, race, social status, etc. However, the interviewer proceed to ask them about equality between human and animals. On Veganism and animal cruelty.

One of the ladies being interviewed refused to continue on said subject. In my opinion, this is the right thing to do.

The conversation, unsurprisingly, does not proceed in a productive manner.


Vegetarianism is to not consume animal products. Meat, leather, bones, etc. Veganism is to not consume animal products, as well as animal delivered products such as dairy, and eggs.

Regardless of intent, human consuming meat from various animals but not fellow human beings. People who consume meat from animals does not necessarily consume human flesh, and cannibalism is considered immoral (and illegal?). A hierarchy is indicated: humans view themselves as superior. 

To draw human as equal to animals, therefore not to consume the bodies of animals, is to establish equality between life forms with consciousness. However, consuming plants are considered the "right" thing to do in both veganism and vegetarianism.

When taken a step further and argue that plants have consciousness or that they are lives as well, the conversation is not likely productive as we came to a conclusion that by consuming plants and animals to survive, inducing harm to other lives, is unethical. 

This is a slippery slope. The problem to me, is not to induce equality between lives but to draw the line where rights are given.

Giving animals as much rights legally given to humans and expect them to obey laws is as confusing as treating humans as life stock and slaughter them for consumpion.


Saying eating some animals are more immoral than eating the other, is their own believe.

Also, saying consuming animal delivered products are immoral is also their own believe. 

Animal cruelty and abuse do exist, and whether to induce that is a matter of choice.


When a person believe in equality and supported a pride conversion, that does not make them a believer of all lives are equal. That just mean they believe in equal rights within the human race.


Track of the day: Steve Vai - Weeping China Doll

This is my favourite track in the album The Story of Light. It was composed by transcribing the position of weeping china doll buds on a music sheet. There must be some romanticism  bled into the music.

 

Scent of the day: Lush - The Bug

How about something vegan and cruelty free to give a touch of chilling autumn darkness.

25SEP2020

On anti-work and wage slavery.


Recently, I have discovered the joy of Reddit. Apart from my favourite subreddit (NSFW and possibly NSFL?), I have found the NEET subreddit and its closely related antiwork subreddit.

NEET stands for Not in Employment, Education or Training. Fairly similar to hikikomori (ひきこもり), the latter refer to a refusal to leave their homes or rooms, shutting down their connection to the outside.

Hikikomori fit into the description of NEET, as a more severe situation often accompanied by various mental health issues.

NEET as a state of not in employment, education and training, goes hand in hand with the anti-work mentality. Hikikomori is often caused by trauma that distanced them to the outside world, which feed into being more disconnected socially, and cognitively.


The refusal of  work often build upon a despise of wage slavery and capatalism.

Wage slavery refer to a situation where an individual is forced into work and is unable to leave because of immediate need for income and thus no room for negotiating with their employer.

That situation can be caused by a person's wage close to the minimum wage, barely enough to pay their bills. Student loans and spending that are necessary such as rent, electricity, etc all adds up to it.

That dependency on salary allow room for employer to exploit their employees, and on a economic point of view, that is only natural. 

Any business would prioritize maximizing their margin. A minimum wage and getting as much labor out of it is the result of capitalism.

Not to mention how broken the education system is. People often find themselves in poverty or debt in order to afford higher education, for the sake of having a resume pretty enough to get them a higher base salary.

Take into consideration how high the supply of people who hold a degree and demand for it is.

That forced many people into the positions with lower pay than their education level enable them to get, and into places where they are replaceable because if they did not agree to stay in that position, their employer can easily find people who will.

It completely neglect individuality and it is not hard to find work not rewarding.


The government is to take part of the responsibility of how this occurred. If they were to raise the minimum wage, cooperations will find other ways to exploit their work forces, such as cutting employee's hours, hiring less people, raising their prices. Ultimately, it will fuel inflation. It is also guilty when their people are not able to quit their job at any time just to find another one, having a system to fall back on.


The ways to escape from wage slavery is to get into higher positions within companies, where income is greater the amount of which is mandatory. This is close to impossible for people who do not engage in receiving higher education. The other way is to start their own business, which again, is nearly impossible for people who are barely feeding themselves, not to mention how vague and imaginary it sounds.


The above all adds to the hopelessness for people who already find themselves in a difficult situation. 


Materialism made the situation even worse. People were taught to desire and consume more and more items, and the things they own define the value of themselves. This is of course not a healthy mentality, but to think how one does not need the latest smartphone and still desire it is disturbing. Thinking more about it, would you sacrifice heat or water over the internet?


In theory, one can live Diogenes style and in Cynicism. One can be homeless yet few will do so by choice.

At what point is it too minimalistic? At what point are things enough to support one's life in comfort?

Well, it is all too much and let me slide into my pajamas and sleep on it.


Track of the day: Nine Inch Nails - The Hand That Feeds

Great band, great song, fit right in today's topic.


Scent of the Day: Fable Fragrances Voodoo

Smells like grape juice, but goth.

10AUG2020

 It has been a while since I started Le Laboratoire Chaotique.

Thank you to whom have supported the project.

There will be new releases as long as I feel like making something new.

It has been a challenge to keep myself reminded to post each day hence the posting schedule.

Sometimes I am just awake for two days straight and asleep for 12 hours.

By sometimes I meant most of the time.


Since the first launch I have faced issues such as running out of carrier oils,  and bottles not being shipped, etc.

The next shipment I will be receiving them at a much larger quantity.

There are over 80 ingredients and essential oils are sometimes, expensive as hell. That was the reason Bed of Roses was marked more expensive. Also I am constantly sourcing for better quality ingredients. So that if anyone ever brought something from me it wouldn't suck.


There is a scent called Thunderbird in my prototypes, I intended to put it in my Le Monde collection because it is my actual bass' model and Réglisse has it. It ended up in inspiration as a 10ml bottle purchase is too much to ask for and Murderface has a thunderbird too just that it is a 5 string and mine is 4 sting. Well, at least I did not put a cottage cheese note in it. Don't ask. 


I may as well explain what are those collections. I do not feel like these explanations belong anywhere in the blog, just because it was too personal and this blog is very personal. Le Monde de Réglisse is not.


Le Monde de Réglisse is about the OC of the blog and the things revolved around him. 

M. Réglisse and D.E. are both pretty straight forward with their cedarwood and herbs. 

M. Réglisse being the protagonist of the story, his scent is a mix of two cedarwoods as well as the incense he love.

D.E. has appered in the story but not as much, spoiler he is the ghost hanging out chillin' and writing this blog (diary). If you placed an order you receive confirmation emails from Damien. His scent was orginally dry as bone, but after some thinking I made it a vibrant green scent. Also The Garden with no Flowers is a "vanilla" version of green/woods if the basil in D. E. was too OTT, too intense, whatever.

La Porte Noire and Sylvius are on the darker, heavier side, where I myself enjoy but did not expect anyone else liking it. 

La Porte Noire is a incense heavy scent, while Sylvius is a green and red musk combo.

If red musk and dragon's blood resin is not your thing, stay away from them.

Also, cilantro and balsam are in Sylvius. This damn dragon, I have written about it in the SCP parody and realize it will take too much time for it to appear in the actual story of the protagonist so I wrote a shit post about him. I am sorry, dragon buddy.

There is, however, a scent that I am holding back not releasing called Dans la Tête. 

Dans la Tête

Is that a real human skull on his desk? 

Notes: Lavender, orris, frankincense, and a hint of black liqorice

Confiserie Noire and Black Coffee from Inspiration are both worth noting that they are not single note perfumes, things were added in the mix because it just smell nicer.

I am quite sure that this collection will not appeal to the majority of my whaat, 15 followers on facebook. Or people in general. 


Bibliothek collection consists of mostly lighter, green or woody scents. They are more beginner friendly because Konpeito picked most of the notes himself (by that I mean forcing him to sniff every ingredient I have purchased and pick out stuff he liked) and that's how his liking works.

Old Books is my favourite out of these 5. It mimics the old parchment smell with a splash of coffee. It is medium bodied in comparison with the other stuff in the collection that is rather light... except Someone else's Tea. 

Someone else's Tea has a rum opening and dries to a simple black tea and some myrrh for longevity.


There was originally two more ideas, Social Anxiety and Solitude which is heavy oriental and light aquatic respectively. Social Anxiety feels like it belongs to Le Monde rather than Bibliothek while Solitude just kind of lack character and link to the collection. 


The collection Inspiration, is just whatever is not in the above put into one page and to be honest there is not that much. They are made based on shows I like, etc. Having too little to do with the actual artist or whatever to call fan made goods, I may as well throw them in one collectin and call it a day.


BRUTAL, Black Coffee, Snow Falcon and Thunderbird are Metalocalypse inspired, or the beautiful instruments by the same name.

BRUTAL is leaning on the darker, more sinister side and in the same vein as Alex and La Porte Noire. Except that BRUTAL is sweet and the rest is dry (as opposed to sweet, not wet)


Bed of Roses are inspired by that photo book where his Majesty "took a break" on his birthday by that I mean died of eating poisonous cake. The rest of it is just obvious, wasn't it?


Wolfgang and Antonio are more experimental as they were more "traditional" in their lavender and I was just not familiar with sweet scents. Anyway the sweetness and lavender will be the link between these two.

For those who did played FGO you know what star meant already and the pentagram symbol holds a similar meaning to Mikele, the actor for Mozart in Mozart l'Opera Rock. That's why the bottle for Wolfgang is star shaped.


Most of the pictures are taken with a bottle on the sofa where a crease is created by where out butts sit.

The pictures of Bibliothek are bottles on a piece of paper and snapseed filters.


Enough with the rambling about perfumes.Would this be a blog that document someone gradually losing their sanity? I feel like I do not have quite a lot to start with.

Today was my follow up and I got my supply of sleeping pills, good news there. But I did not tell them it usually take me more than 2 pills to feel drowsy. Anyway. I have ran out of those long ago. And I always forget to take medication and I have probably a month or two surplus of those.

2AUG2020

Today I am going to give my thoughts on some more scents that I got my hands on recently. 


The opening is a watered down version of Beaufort's infamous birch tar. Once it dry down, it reminds me a lot of BPAL Cathedral, it is almost the same dry incense henceforth. The longer I wear it, the more I get  the same woody vibe from Serge Lutens L'orpheline, as if the two of them were layered. As I own both perfumes I mentioned earlier, it is not my best interest to purchase a full size bottle. Such a shame since Terror and Magnificence is most likely to be my cup of tea judging by the notes.

By the way, the longevity of L'orpheline is marvelous while Cathedral required a heavy handed application and does not project as far as Terror and Magnificence.

Beaufort London Vi et Armis

Our beloved barbecue place birch tar! Here it come and here it goes, leaving a trail of smoke. Definitely more tame than Tonnere, dries to a gentleman's tea leaves and rich, delicious whisky scent, with the reminiscent of rugged leathery bacon savory tobacco and opium. If Tonnere is too intense with its birch tar, this may be a less invasive and just as memorable replacement. It reminds me a lot of the "it's just good business" guy in  Pirates of the Caribbean, a lot. in short, posh guy hanging out with a bunch of  pirates.


Ah, a delightful pirate inspired perfume. It introduced itself as salty sea air, then dry woody notes, spices and perhaps lemon start to emerge. It is overall very dry and fairly inoffensive in terms of how violent Beaufort scents have been.
It is definitely the more wearable, very wearable scent Beaufort offered, but it does not stand out to me as much. It does not evoke an image as much as the other scents from Beaufort London I have tried.

A nice niche perfume nevertheless. For those who seek more of a gentleman's scent from start to finish. Unlike Iron Duke who started off as a more formal gentleman's scent and dries to the most sexy dirty leather scent...

Track of the day: Pirates of the Carribean - Prague Cello Quartet
Since I have talked about the movie earlier.

6 JULY 2020

Bad news. True bad news. Those worth being put in a black envelope.

I have ran out of coffee.


Remember the cat I wrote about before? The cat that hiss at everything and attack everyone? She is now out of her cage and exploring the fuck out of our place.

She got on top of a bookshelf and stayed right below the AC.

She slept in the bath tub.

She got into a fight with the other cat, hissed at the rest, gave me scratches when I tried to get her out of the back of the television.

Now, she is trying to claim my bed.



Scents of the day:
Beaufort London Tonnerre
Fabled Fragrances Incubus
Fabled Fragrances Haunteed Woods

There is a reason I put these together. Bacon. No, birch. Smoke.

What a strange thing to say as a vegetarian...


Tonnerre smells like barbecue sauce in the beginning, which is a shocking first impression. After 5 minutes or so, oh, it is bacon on the grill. After a while, the bacon is eaten the place is left with the smell of smoke and burnt mystery meat. You start to get the sea water, the little bit of tang from the lime. some amber on the bottom and the trees growing in a distance.

Smoke is the main player from beginning to the end, only after the initial shock you began to appreciate how provocative it is. I hated it initially because of the bacon smell, but it has grown on me.

Congrats Beaufort London, you have successfully shocked me into liking you.

It is going to take some guts and a lot of personality to wear, but it started to grow on me.


Incubus on the other hand, despite falling in the more intense spectrum, started out more tame. It started with a herbal, spicy and almost medicinal potion. Perhaps it was a spell. Perhaps it was a bit of magic, you don't know.

He then emerge from a puff of smoke, ready to seduce you and you were worried about your ass unsure if he really mean no harm as he presented himself as. That smokiness and spice carried on as the greens faded. He is much more grounded, earthy, darker and mysterious comparing with Tonnerre.


Haunted Woods when first applied, is a very straight forward smoke scent. Then the mosses and woods become friends and decided to came into the limelight.

You are walking through the smoke, it is so dark you can barely see a thing. Finally, you entered a forest. It was damp, oppressed, and  a chill creep down your spine. As if a fire happened, deep in the woods, a cabin burnt to the ground and you don't know where it is.

In my opinion, the birch note is too powerful and overpowers the woods and mosses most of the time, such a shame. It is unique for sure, in the woody or earthy family, would satisfy the need for a dry and out of the box earthy fragrance, but I would appreciate more woods in it. perhaps it was my skin chemistry.


Overall I am greatly impressed by the performance of Tonnerre, in both how it paints a picture in mind and actual projection and longevity. But on a real level, I would probably only purchase Incubus out of these three.

The barbecue sauce and bacon on a grill phase was way too long for me to enjoy the full experience in Tonnerre.

I have BPAL Oblivion for a damp green scent, which does not carry the smoke note and is very  sweet, almost syrup like. It is just my preference.

Track of the day: Deep Purple - Smoke On The Water
Lets end this day with the song every guitarist / bassist hate and every busking old man plays. 
It's not a bad song, it's just everywhere.

5 JULY 2020

Doc Constantine's Medicine Show on my clothing, Iron Duke on my left hand and Cerberus on my right hand.

It is a peculiar combination.

Doc Constantine's Medicine show now reminds me less of Tombeur as it was when I first received it. There is a certain soft, rounded, powdery undertone to it and Alchemical Laboratory bear even more of it. I suspect that was the carrier oil that does this. It does dry fairly slow, low throw and silage, yet perfect for pillows and linen.

Iron Duke and Cerberus on the other hand, are more intense despite the small amount I have applied. My friend gifted me samples of both, along with plenty of goodies, therefore I have been trying out new scents recently. 

Iron Duke does have a very classy opening of tobacco and rum, possibly some metal. For the first 10 minutes upon application, I was unsure that my friend would fall in love with such a elegant scent. But then it became very animalic, leathery and rugged, I started to understand how appropriate it is for a metalhead in summertime to wear band shirts and this.

Iron Duke have the strongest throw out of these three, because I can barely smell anything but Iron Duke unless I stick my nose to my other arm (where Cerberus is applied), while both of them open as strong.

By looking at Beaufort London's website alone, I can see Terror & Magnificence being my cup of tea, along with Rake & Ruin and Vi et Armis

Cerberus on the other hand, introduces itself with a punch in your face with spices. It was so intense that I thought of washing it off. When dried, on skin, it unraveled its warm and woody side. Like after being triple barked at and then getting a sniff and a hug from a huge, hellish doggo. As the woods excuse themselves, the hellhound ended up smelling like sweet pumpkin spice and you have a puppy in your arms, happily wiggling its tail. interesting...


Fabled Fragrances is definitely worth looking into. I can already picture myself purchasing Athenaeum and Dracula. Although more time is needed for trying out other samples.


Every time a cat sits in a shoe box, I can almost hearing this playing in the background.

26 JUNE 2020

We had to keep one cat at home until her owner gets air condition installed in their home. She look a lot like a little panther. She is wild and hisses to every cat she sees. Humans too.
She had her claws out and is always ready to attack. Stays in the box in the cage.


Scent of the day: Arkham
This smells a lot like Crossroads without the incense, which gives a bit more of a "kick" and sadly turns sour with my skin chemistry.


Track (album) of the day: Pinkly Smooth - Unfortunate Snort
There is this one album that I want and probably never going to be able to purchase.
The composition reminds me a lot of  A Little Piece Of Heaven which The Rev composed years after.
A Little Piece of Heaven was the first Avenged Sevenfold song I listened to. My friend sent me this link when they are REALLY into A7X. There is some sentimental value to it.
Learned to play a lot of A7X songs on bass in those days.

22 JUNE 2020

Something came in the mail. I wonder what that was.

It was opened and sealed again by the customs, huh...

Since BPTP products are available on the BPAL website now, I can order BPAL and BPTP products together.

Here's what I have purchased and what came in the mail.

Sloth / Bruised Violet Compound / Chaotic / Evil / MageArkham

Snakes Slithering Through Stinging NettleIn Time of PlagueInterfector / Theodosius, the Legerdemain / Western Diamondback / The Parliament of Monsters / Brumation

Doc Constantine's Medicine Show / Alchemical Laboratory / Salon #10




It was shipped after 17 days, of which I very much appreciate, even though they have made it clear that turn around time will be increased due to COVID-19. (It was usually 4 weeks.)

Huge thank you to the Lab!

I have placed some 8 or 9 orders before, of which all of them were shipped within 4 weeks. The  discontinued products on their etsy was shipped immediately. And that one time USPS fucked up and it was BPAL customer service who got it sorted.

I have noticed that if you order from the Carnival Diabolique collection, they send you one ticket for the carnival and a postcard for the scent you have purchased.

Sometimes you get random gifts like stickers or postcards.

The samples came in the brown bag, which I found very adorable. The 2ml spray samples are called "goblin squirts"after all.

From my past experience with BPAL, they are very generous with the free samples. A few of my favorites were discovered by frimps (free imp's ears), which was not something I would have purchased based on description or notes. Like Artificer this time.

I'm more of a resin and incense lover.

I am pleasantly surprised that I got some frimps! It is a hard time for the lab (and the rest of the world) and it would be understandable if they don't send them. FREEBIES WERE GIFTS AND SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED. 

As for the "goblin squirts".

First off, all of the sprays I got came in separated like so. They began separating immediately after a good shake. It may not show in picture due to light colour of the substance. It's nothing a shake before use can't fix but I am kind of annoyed...

They definitely smell smooth like essential oils, without the more aggressive opening of alcohol based sprays.

That's great.



As I am more familiar to their perfume oils, Here are my thoughts.

Salon #10
Smells like Iago.... and tobacco. If Iago had a more evil twin, that would be it.

Doc Constantine's Medicine Show
Resembled something strongly. I wonder what it is. Tombeur without the Snake Oil?

Alchemical Laboratory
Smells like... if you take the Turkish delight out of Rose Cross and make the rest of it a powder. This is very, VERY powdery. I like it.


By the way I have a small cabinet to store all my BPAL 5ml bottles. Here it is.


21 JUNE 2020




20 JUNE 2020

I have been working and still not feeling well. Test results are at the doctor's and I need to get it before going to a specialist.


Scent of the day: Grey Flannel
My room and clothes smell like this. The price was great and exceeded my expectations.
When the weather is shite and everything is has the smell of oppressed humidity. Make it smell like  old men's wardrobe.

Track of the day: My Chemical Romance - Dead!
I used to like this so much during my emo phrase and I still love them.
When you are working and dead inside... oh wait, I have a better idea.

Let's do this again.

Track of the day: Evanescence - Bring Me To Life
My ex-boyfriend loved this and I absolutely hate this song (it is just an okay meme).

When you play an instrument and like rock music, there's always some guy who thinks HIM and Evanescence are the most gothic band ever and hit on absolutely every person who dress in black. And the kind of person who smells like Linkin Park and Muse are the only band they know when you are in school.

The music is not bad but being that person is just annoying.

That's why I don't put myself in profile pictures anymore.

17 JUNE 2020

The body check results are back and I seemed to have chronic inflammation.

My BPAL order has been shipped and I am looking forward to it.

Also I have a 3USD invoice for one of my freelance job, what.


Scent of the day: BPAL The Black Tower
I always think it is dark tower as in the novel but when I looked it up it is actually black tower. The novel is long as hell and I never finished it.

Was this the origin of my "fetish" of ice I have no idea. ( It was in book 3)

Track of the day: Alice Cooper - Poison
This song always make me think it is a love song to Poison Ivy.

16 JUNE 2020

Long story short, I have been unwell. Again.

Had a body check yesterday.


There is beauty, in the way people manipulate shade and light, words and phrases, and such. Is beauty necessarily art? Not quite. Vice versa.

Is the ability to create is worth praises and encouragement. Knowing the theories behind the beauty of creations does not make one a great creator.

Scent of the day: BPAL Nephilim
Reminds me of this ↓

Track of the day: Dissection - Somberlain (Somberlain)
Dissection have great lyrics. This reminds me too much of that one fiction I read in my babybat edgelord days that was cringy and dark.

8 JUNE 2020

There must be some inflammation in my throat and ear that had not been cleared up. And a single pimple where it hurts in a two inch wide diameter on the bridge of my nose that made wearing glass a literal pain.

I miss the feeling of looking foward to receiving somethjng in the mail that you have ordered ages ago. Not even impulse buying things. There is nothing in particular that I want badly.

As a matter of fact, I want to get rid of things more than wanting anything.

It used to be something to look foward to, working and using that payment for things you love. CDs, clothing, books, whatever.

Now I look at things and be like: this is nice. I don't need it, don't want it either.

It gives the impression that I am not passionate, loves nothing. Perhaps they were right about that.

It is like first philosophy and second philosophy. Even if the same object was viewed, it is in a total different perspective.

I like things simple aand straight foward, using as little effort as possible to get something done. I am lazy as hell.

I like having the same combination of things in my food. Having as little to do to get dressed as possible, etc.

It is good to have changes over time, like different flavoured soy bean milk. But never too much out of my comfort zone: that would take up too much mental capacity.

It started off as a "leaving as little things behind as possible so that it would be less of a pain to clean up after I died" kind of action. Soon I discovered that quite a lot of my possessions will be worth a lot less if not in the right hands.

Then I began selling my stuff. Did not work out.

Whatever.


Scent of the day: BPAL Glass Eye
How this 5ml bottle last this long when I spiled it on my table twice, I have no idea.

Track (album) of the day: Tchaikovsky Ballet Suites
The exact album I listen to when I really need to curl up in a ball.


Heyyyyyyyyyyyy

こんぺいとうぅぅぅぅぅおめでとうぅぅぅぅぅぅぅぅぅσ`∀´)σ

はい!今回、特別に日本語を書く!(・∀・)

感動しますか?フハハハハーー






4 JUNE 2020

What define "me"? Am I a body with a mind or a mind with a body?

Most will agree that although an organ like kidney, heart, etc got replaced or donated, that means you replaced a part of you or the receiver now owns a bit of you. But that does not make the person another person, unless we are talking about a brain.

Take SCP-2295. It can replace pretty much any organ but the brain. We pretty much agreed that the brain is the fundamental part of mind.

We can go as far as "brain in a jar".

Je pense, donc je suis.

One cannot prove anything but the existence of one's consciousness.

After the brain is dead, do we still have a soul? How does the body affect the body, and how the mind affect the body?

If souls exist, it would be like Socrates believed, death would relief the mind of flesh and bones. What will be thereafter?

Could it be mind is the product of life, and is inseparable to the body?



What if technology is advance enough where a mind can be uploaded and therefore abandon its hardware made of flesh and blood?

In my opinion, that would be meaningless as it is making a copy of the human mind, it is ultimately two different minds.

Existence precedes essence.

Quick explanation:

Take a file on a computer, copy and paste makes two identical yet separate files.

The fact that the pasted file is not the original document, it exist on its own is more important than it being identical to the original.



My skin is dryer than the sahara desert. When I scratch it literally crumbled off my body. Despite humidity. I drink coffee and tea like it is water dammit.



The word Orion actually looked like varient of the infamous Orz, a centaur version perhaps. Google ''reverse centaur" and it is hilarious. This is exactly what I think of cat girls and all that... guess I am no furry after all.



Scent of the day: BPAL Oblivion
The smell of oppressed, damp greens.

Track of the day: Zakk Wylde Plays Black Sabbath on Hello Kitty Mini-Guitar
After all of this, we need a little humour.