1 SEP 2021

So I went and asked if a store is hiring. Obviously they are, but I wanted to work part time. They scheduled an interview on the day after and I got the job.

I was extremely anxious that morning, and surprisingly not so much before the interview. 

When I arrived at the store they told me they would get in touch and I gave them my phone number. When they called, I was at work. I watched them hang up and called again. 

Gathering all the courage in my life to pick up. They told me to come in the next day.

That night, I was so close to giving up completely and actually wanted to kill myself so that I don't have to go to the interview.

I was so convinced that nobody would want to hire me and whatever job I get, they would find out how not capable I am.

In fact, there was a lot of interviews that I haven't showed up to.

There was so much anxiety. My hair, blue and long. My ears and eyebrows, with so many piercings. Me, shy and awkward, getting the most simple of things wrong all the time.

"I will leave it to tomorrow's self as today's self doesn't want to bother thinking about it." That's what I said that night.

On a lot of medications and after a lot of sleep, I felt better. And came to the interview.

Before I know it they told me I will be working there starting from next week.

The manager seemed to be a nice person. I don't need to justify myself much, which was my greatest fear.

What motivated me to get another part time job is more money to buy perfume. The job I have at the moment was... it wasn't going to afford a lot of expensive water in a bottle.

I promised myself a bottle of Dzing! if I got hired. I placed the order, and spent my evening searching for new perfumes to sniff. 

Good day, a good day indeed.

18 JUL 2021

It has been a while. I stopped updating because I was too caught up in my eating disorder.

I have lost around 5 to 6kg since April. forgot where i started at.

My eating habuts were mostly restricting intake to 500 to 800 kcal per day.

Towards the end of last year, I have failed to fit in the clothes I wore the year before. I stopped having an extra bowl of noodles at night. 

Then I had protein shake for breakfast (instead of bread). Things went downhill since May. I have began counting calories, weighing myself every day and eventually every time I eat or drink or after I went to the bathroom.

I remembered being just as absorbed in my eating disorder few years before, when I had a high restrictive diet and I was out of it quite fast because my weight plateaued.

There was nothing as exciting as seeing the numbers on the scale drop. Boom. Instant results. Unlike practically anything in life, I finally had somthing I have control over. I starved, and I get results.

My first goal weight was at a BMI of 15.6. I am currently less than 1kg away from it. 

After realizing hitting that goal weight would not make much of a difference (given than I am underweight at the start of this), I lowered my goal weight to a BMI of 14.

That would make a difference, wouldn't it? 

I suspect that I would never be satisfied unless I was inpatient. That would prove that I am thin.

I literally cannot see myself as being thin. I look at a picture of a person and think that I am at least 5kg heavier but when I overlay the picture I took of myself over it, I am actually the more skinny one. Body dysmorphia did me dirty.

Every day I think that I am actually eating, I am just on a diet I am not like those who fast for days. I am just on a diet. That's it, I am not skinny enough to have a problem.

I want people to notice my weight loss, but at the same time I don't want them to because that would mean they definitely knows that I am fat before.

There is nothing like knowing that I am losing weight. Not skinny yet, a work in progress nonetheless. I love myself when I fast. 

At the same time I buy clothes in 2XL to hide my body. Oversize is on trend every now and then, right?

It is addictive. To have control over something, and being rewarded with results every so often.

Wanting to be so ill that my life revolve around this. Wanting to be so ill that nothing can bother me. Wanting to suceed in the only thing I am good at. 

My ego is so inflated and at the same time so defeated. 

Loving it when I feel my bones. Hating it when I feel soft tissue underneath my skin.

More and more hair fall out when I wash it.

Feeling dizzy and lost vision for a few seconds every time I stand up.

Having stomachache every time I ate more than usual.

I lie to myself that I will eat normally when I reached my goal weight, when in fact I do not know if I will be able to.

I lie to myself that I can eat without counting calories when I reached my goal weight, when in fact the goal weight will only be lower and lower.

I lie to myself that I will be okay, when I skipped vitamins and protein for the sake of restricting more.

I want to be told that I am thin. That I am thin enough and don't need to lose more. But I know for a fact that those are close to me told me that same thing when my BMI was 18.5.

The usual 'thinspo' does not to the job. I look for pictures where people look like they were about to die from their low body weight for triggers.

I want to be so thin that I 'beat' those are in the pictures.

 

 

About me (ver. JUNE2021)

This is the blog of Damien Eldritch. Where I post a lot of complaining and random thoughts.

Possibly triggering. Or downright depressing.

As some of them are quite extreme, I hope you keep an open mind and whilst reading it. Most of them are opinion and are not always backed with facts.

It is not like I am a flat-earther or anti-vaxx, but I am quite pessimistic, misanthropic and even anti-natalistic.

My views are quite chaotic and choose only those that benefit me. Sounds fair?

I have mental illnesses and is on a cycle of getting slightly better and relapsing bad. 

Was on debate whether or not to deleting this blog because I do not know when I am going to die and nobody is going to take care of my BS. And eventually decided to leave this on the internet. 

It was not to leave a legacy because this blog is just me, complaining.

Anyway.

If any of my blog posts inspired you to think about something, and really think about it, it is a win for me.

It is not easy to talk about things and not sound like an asshole, or turn that conversation into an argument.

Communication is better when you are just writing. Or not communicating at all.

Wait. This was an 'about me' and I have not told you about me a lot.

 

I identify as a existential nihilist. 

Just kidding. I identify as non binary, they/he pronouns were fine. I am also bisexual.

In terms of personality, I am quite pessimistic, don't like people, only wear the colour black and listen to heavy metal.

Black Sabbath, Children of Bodom, Type O Negative, Theater of Tragedy and Lacrimosa is what I listen to most often.

Revo is the only Japanese artist that I listen to religiously. Otherwise I did know anime and vocaloid kind of 'otaku' stuff, but was not very into it.

Did cosplay for 11 years though.

Favourite writer is Edgar Allan Poe, favourite philosopher is Arthur Schopenhauer, favourite movie is Pan's Labyrinth.

I do look like a typical goth, with all black clothes, dyed hair and lots of piercings.

 

The games I play were Mabinogi (Taiwan server) and CoC (TRPG). 

Was not into fandom and stuff, although I did write fanfic in my other blog. My other blogs were in Chinese.

 

I am a vegetarian. To me it is just a widely excepted preference on food, I am not very into the whole animal cruelty thing because it came across as preachy.

When available, I do prefer vegan and cruelty free. The reason being 'why the hell not'.

One of those things I am actually good at is making hand dripped coffee. I like beans that are not sour, but balanced or full-bodied. I hate to have milk in coffee, it ruins the texture and flavour. Sugar is fine but I won't do that myself.

And I do drink tea. Lots of it, in fact. My preference being black tea.

I am also into fragrances. I have quite a few from BPAL, Lush, and Penhaligon's. There is too many of them, it is hard to pick a 'signature' scent. Probably Marquis de Sade from ELdO, The Bug from Lush, and King Cobra from BPAL.

In general my preferences lean towards oriental, resinous, and green scents.

Also I live with four cats, our family pets.

Thank you. For reading through all this shit.

24 MAR 2021

The thought of me having no personality came 

to me, and it was fairly reasonable.

But then it occurred to me that one does not have to be remarkable.

I used to think that I need to be good at something, more so than anyone around me. Be into some kind of subculture, that makes me more edgy and different from everybody.

The thing is, I am indeed a one off limited edition. Even with identical twins who share the same DNA, they are unique individuals on their own. One's existence is more important than its essence. Or whatever that quote translates to in English. Being itself, is more important than its properties.

If I upload all my memories to a computer who have AI to implement all those data, it is still, not me.

In fact, I am quite different from everyone around me. It makes me different, and not different at the same time. Everyone is.

Reading three books in the same field makes you more informed in that field than the majority of people. Liking something indicate a preference for something. All these accumulate to form an individual quite different from anyone in this world.

We do not need to be remarkable, in fact the majority of people in the world is far from what we consider to be remarkable. From a statistics point of view, it is not likely that we could achieve '15 minutes of fame' in our lives anyway.

People who went viral from tiktok is unlikely to foresee themselves doing so either.

Why bother to make yourself a little more different than the past yourself and make the present yourself miserable?

One could be quite remarkable and unique already, in the eyes of a loving family and close friends. That is what should matter, more so than however many followers on twitter who barely know you.

4 MAR 2021

The endless desire for more.

There is always a desire for something we don't have. It may  be wealth, status, items, love, anything.

The problem is, when the novelty wears off, it does not seem to make our life that much better.

What we do not have is always better than what we already have. We were never taught to be satisfied with what is in our possession. It may not be the best, but it might be just the right one.

We were taught to bring more and more into our homes, when we often have too much and need to discard of what is useless and meaningless.

Modern advertisements further reinforce the idea that material items will make our life better, and make us superior to others.

Even after embracing minimalism, I often find myself in desire for something. These boots would make me look that much better. These utensils would make making coffee that much easier. Or I need that set of antique teacups when I have guests over. The fact that my pair of basic Dr. Martens lasted years, the fact that I have been having instant coffee, and never have friends coming over were thrown out of the window.

These were desires masquerading as needs. As though I try to convince myself that I am not going to get a reasonable amount of use out of these items, I still want them. I tell myself that was just a suggestion and I was not obligated to purchase them. 

The items on my wish list was frankly quite ridiculous.

A pair of boots that looks like my oxfords as boots. Nobody is going to notice if I had a different pair.

Shirts that looks exactly like those I already have half a dozen of.

Antique tableware that is only going to be used when I have guests, which is never. I have gave some of them out because I was not getting much use out of them and the excess was just occupying space. Antiques cost a ridiculous amount of money, too.

That killstar messenger bag that is always out of stock. Just because it looked a tad more casual that the one I carry when going to work. Seriously, who is going out during COVID?

 In retrospect, the desire to own these items were rooted in the idea of not being "goth" enough.

A coffin or skull shaped bag screams "goth". A set of black teacups says "goth" more than those in white and gold. 

 There was a time when I worked briefly in a place that had a dress code. It was basically all black and does not cause me much problem when transitioning into their style, and that stuck around. I no longer work there but I enjoy the black blazer and shirts, oxfords, etc.

There was a time when I go very extreme with my appearance. When I think it would justify me being "a goth". The truth is, the goth or metalhead scene that I identify myself with, was the least judgemental in appearance. 

Wearing all black is enough to turn heads, not to mention weird hairstyle and piercings and such. Having piercings on the face was enough to be seen as an outlaw. It does not matter if I look very extreme, People probably do know me by that one with blue hair. Or a lot of piercings. Whatever.

Dressing to the extreme and be extra dramatic for shock value was not always worth the effort. It was a sign of lack of confidence and feeling a need to justify oneself.

Sure people in that subculture may admire that fantastic look, and that somehow translate to authority within that circle. It was weird.

People put in great effort in making themselves look a particular way in order to not be mainstream, ended up with a uniform of that particular subculture. People in the lolita scene all have AP dresses. People in the metal scene all have long hair, wear black band tee with jeans.

When I was in Revo fanclub events everyone had the same Linked Horizon bag and we have to put different ornaments on it to tell them apart...

We dress so different and end up to be the same. Isn't that ironic?

 

The older I grew the more I value quality, convenience and comfort. Dressing up is for special occasions, because it is worth my effort.

For friends I knew for over a decade? Pajamas is alright because they already knew who I am and they would not take me less seriously when I am in pajamas.

Being a metalhead and a goth was such a huge part of my identity. Lusting over some bass guitar and album used to be everything I cared about.

Reaching down to why am I interested in the scene was my love for melancholic and often grotesque art and music. As long as I still have the same preference, whether or not I dress like it screams goth does not matter as much.

There was an age for being an edgelord and there was an age to be totally cool with washing the dishes when asked by your mom.

When I dressed to say "I goth", that was for some statement. That I am different, I like this look, etc.

Now I do not have insecurities that will cause me to dress in an extreme manner. I spend most of my time in pajamas and that one day in a month where we have tea parties or something does not define who I am. And the friends who are not afraid to go out with you when you look like some teenage edgelord were true friends.

When I think something does not suit my style and proceed to change it, does it self expression? When I think something is not "goth enough" and wanted to change it, does it mean I am buying into the stereotype or was it truly myself? 

Was intentionally fitting oneself into an image closer to expressing oneself?

 

Clothing do enhance confidence, but enough confidence is going to make anything cool. If I was able to wear my Jack Skellington onesie anywhere I'd be a happier person than I am now.

The truth is what I consider very casual and "normal" had people comment "you look like you're from Black Butler"or something. Me carrying a skull around or not is likely not going to make a lot of difference.

 

11 FEB 2021

Dark academia seemed to be on the rise. 

There is nothing wrong with being in love with the atmosphere of a classic academic environment, indulge in knowledge, enjoy learning and such.

When one thing becomes popular, there are always people there for the glamorous Instagram posts. They may like the aesthetic, but lack interest in deeper meanings that the aesthetic had its roots in. I don't see any harm in that. As long as someone thinks a style is working for them, it is brings fulfillment in self expression.

Elites despise 'posers' who only dress like it and was not interested in digging deeper. This is especially true with subcultures like heavy metal and gothic subculture. It is true that we bond over interests, but it is quite pathetic to force yourself to like something for the sake of blending in. If you must behave in a certain manner to be accepted into the group with incredibly elitist mindset, you may like to think twice before trying to join-- or just enjoy whatever you like in your own bubble.

Some problems may occur when people only dress for it. For example a 'babybat' may wear a shirt with the sigil of Satan on it without knowing what it means. A newly gradated student may wear a suit with white socks for their interview with future employers. Lack of knowledge is to blame and it can be easily avoided by reading surfing the internet. My advise it, got to start from somewhere before getting anywhere. Some cringe today brings less cringe in the future.

Another problem may also occur due to the social aspect of appearance. When your appearance speaks a subculture, expect some small chats over the subject. People like to engage in conversations over topics they like. A lack of knowledge in said field would eventually result in rejection from said social group.

If the dark academia aesthetic sparks your interest in any academic field, good for you. You may have found a pass time for years to come. 

There are so much to explore in academic studies, you may found something unexpected that you love. Higher education was meant to have more specific and in-depth knowledge within the field, and you may dive deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole over time.

Studying things like Latin that are stereo-typically associated with the aesthetics for the sake of it is pointless. There are only so many books that you can read. So much for wasting time on something that you don't even like.

Sometimes people over romanticize academia. Deadlines, writing papers that you hate, plagiarism, stuck with a professor who does not know how to teach (despite being incredibly informed on the subject they teach), the text that you are forced to study were outdated long ago... shit happens, this is how the world works.

Anyway. I am quite fond of the idea of dark academia. Necromancy, astrology, demonology, all the good stuff. Just that I prefer the education system to suck less.

Watching a documentary whilst eating a bowl of biscuits would be more fun compared with lectures that are basically live performance audio-book version of your textbook. Learning is only enjoyable when it was initiated by interest. Nobody likes to be told to write assignments.

4 FEB 2021

The more I think about the world the more I want to live away from it. Yet I rely on a number of modern day conveniences. It would not sound so great if there is no electricity and WiFi.

As much a I would love to, I can never live a sustainable life in a cabin in the woods. Think about how much effort it would take to build a toilet, how many bugs would there be, and god forsaken that I would need to grow my own food from the ground. I am that kind of person who had a dead cactus under my care.

Most important of all, dealing with people is not what I like. 

To the people I care about, they are closer to me than anybody else. I am an introvert, that makes me prefer a small group of close friends over a large group of acquiescence.

 

We seemed to have no free will in the modern day society. Not that we were less bound by stereotypes and religion in the old days, but we are controlled by cooperate more than ever.

People in general, are simple. They are being lead by what they are told. 

When a product, for example, a Marvel movie, is heavily advertised, we are being told it is good and grow to like it. At  least it would look familiar and thus increase the likelihood of us purchasing products related to it. Despite it was actually a 2 hour long advertisement for their superhero.

The plot and progress are all the same. They broadcast the same message, that we can be special as long as we work towards what we believed top be true.

The formula works, it is something that people are familiar with and is likely to be successful, as long as it contain comedy and a bit of romance here and there.

Pop music are all so very similar and simplistic because what we are familiar with are being played over and over again. The majority of pop music on the charts are written by the same two guys.

When advertisement is forced upon us, we seemed to lose the ability to decide on what to favor and love.

It used to be the love from the general public that bring success to stars, now it was heavily advertised to us until we grow a liking to it.

 Advertisements work, and they are very effective. They plant ideas into our heads and teach us what to love, what to purchase, what to think is right, and it is all controlled by cooperation.

We like it when things are brought to us in a plate. We like to click on whatever was retweeted by our friends and family (or worse, advertised) instead of looking up news on medias' websites.

We like to scroll through homepages when its content is tailored to our searches instead of thinking about what we are interested in and search for it ourselves.

 

There is no way to escape advertisements as long as we live in the modern world. It is everywhere.

Our decisions on what to purchase and support, is heavily manipulated. 

My strategy to combat this, is to not go on social media and mindlessly browse the web.

I have deleted apps on my phone, and avoid scrolling through it to pass time.

Unfortunately, YouTube is a must for me. I have a habit of watching videos on it. With adblock, of course.

Sometimes I got tempted to get audible or something like that. That is the moment that I remind myself we are in the middle of a pandemic and I, as a student, do not have that kind of money.

I have decided to save up and my goal is to have passive income high enough to support me doing nothing.

The 'no buy' has been going on. My only puirchase this month apart from that bottle of de Sade (which I do not regret), was a keyboard.

The keyboard that was the cover of my surface pro had broke. It was the third one in 2 years. The lifespan of said item was too short to justify its price. 

Considering the fact that I am not taking it anywhere in the foreseeable future, I have brought a mechanical keyboard instead. It looked like a typewriter. It fits into the aesthetic of my desk, despite it being rather loud, I am content with the purchase.

20 JAN 2021

The death of our cat Frank hasn't been registered in my brain, yet.

He had been dehydrated and it took 2 weeks before he get an ultrasound.

The day after he got an ultrasound, he appeared to be very sick. He was admitted the very night. 

He was gone the next day.

All I know was that mom went to see him at noon. And brought him back. 

I was wondering why he was covered, and mom began finding things for him.

The first thing she got was a box. She always put passed cats in cardboard box with their beloved toys.

At that moment I knew he was dead.

It was all so sudden. Last night he was having multi organ failure and the next he was gone.

The previous cats spend their last moments at home. Mom brought them back when nothing else can be done.

I thought it was the same when mom took him home.

He had 6 good years with us and it was his time. There was nothing else to be said. 

I thought grief was ripples on the water and death was the stone.

There was no ripple on my end. The stone was all that registered in my brain. It was like I have went through all the stages of grief in a second.

Was it because I have witnessed the death of 3 of our cats before that I just accept the fact so easily?

I do feel emotions, but it does not feel personal. I do miss him, but not that much. Life goes on as if nothing ever happened.

The death of our cat is just the death of our cat.

Gone. Forever.

What is life? What is consciousness? 

If there was no consciousness there was  no point in living. Life become a phenomenon.

Hypnos is the the brother of Thanatos.

Sleep is temporary death. Without pain and commitment. 

The great horror of death is absent in sleep. All because we know that we can just wake up.

If death was eternal slumber, it would be so appealing that I myself would love to have it.

To avoid life itself is to seek death. Earthly possessions and connections bound us to life.

If there were no purpose, there is no life. Whether or not the purpose being, simply 'not to die'. 

Man seek purpose in life. If there is none, they become frustrated as if the entire world is on fire.

The idea of a higher purpose, a religion, seems ideal.

18 Jan 2021

So I began exploring the brand Etat Libre d'Orange and brought a bottle of de Sade blind.

Scent of the day (I guess)

Attaquer le Soleil Marquis de Sade

The only listed note is labdanum. The scent is of course very heavy on incense, and reminds me of L'orpheline from Serege Lutens.

L'orpheline is more intense, and somewhat woody. Marquis de Sade on the other hand, is slightly sweet and evoke a damp feeling while L'orpheline is definitely bone dry.

The longevity on Marquis de Sade is incredible. I applied around 6 sprays on my clothes, and the scent is detectable from arm length throughout the day. When I sniffed my clothes the day after, it is still pretty much there.

L'orpheline is much stronger and lasts for eternity, it is the most long lasting perfume I own. One spray is more than enough for the day. Still, I prefer Marquis de Sade over L'orpheline. It is hard not to apply too much of L'orpheline when it is so strong. I feel myself suffocating over one spray of it. Marquis de Sade on the other hand, even if I need to apply more of it, I gain more control over how much to apply without sacrificing longevity and silage. The slight sweetness to it makes it less aggressive and more tolerable when a lot was applied.

13 JAN 2021

Few things happened during this week.

Frank Frank got admitted too the hospital. He was dehydrated and was not eating much. 

On Monday he had ultrasound and confirmed that it was a kidney problem. The next day he got admitted to the hospital, which was yesterday.

And the first thing I did after my no buy month was to purchase a bottle of Attaquer le Soleil Marquis de Sade. It was a blind buy, and impulse purchase, and I don't really know why I got it. Anyway, it arrived today. 

The scent resembled something I already have in my collection: L'orpheline. Of which the only drawback is its insane projection.

It is not good value for the money. You get more longevity and projection from L'orpheline, meaning that you only have to use a little. But at least it is something I would use for a long time.

Overall I am quite happy with my purchase. Although it was completely unnecessary and I feel like I have two of the same thing. But it's a picture of Marquis de Sade on the bottle, I'm happy to have that in my collection.

As I do not plan this purchase, I have no room planned for it, and I have to squeeze it in the cabinet where I store my perfumes. Now I feel sorry for ruining the perfect organization of that cabinet and for the money I paid.

I often cope with stress by shopping. It was undoubtedly an impulse purchase and I had the thought of returning it the day after.

There is a need for a longer no buy time frame.

I need to rethink my collection of perfumes. In general, I wear them for work, going out with friends and family, and staying home enjoying more unusual perfumes.

For work: Endymion EDP, Juniper Sling, Bayolea 

As my working environment is a closed space with air conditioning, I tend to wear less offensive perfumes that do not project too far. I also want the perfume I wear to please the general public, or at least be welcoming.

For going out: L'orpheline, French Lover, Samhainophobia, Alizarin

Hello to my beast mode perfumes. When I wear perfume with my all black outfit, I want it to be as offensive as possible, and scream 'if you can smell this, you are too close'. Yup, a freaking goth edgelord.

Perfumes are a form of self expression, an extension of self, a weapon. What it says cannot stray too far from what you want yourself to be seen as. When the perfume says otherwise, people get confused.

I have too many perfumes to wear at home. I am willing to wear almost anything. I do not have to worry about the perfume saying the opposite of my personality, which is what I tend to avoid outside.

4 JAN 2021

First post on 2021.

I am currently on a 'no buy' month, 1 week to go and I think I have saved a good amount of money.

The more I let things sit on my cart, the less I want them. Most of the things that went through this process was an item that I want, instead of need.

Of course, I have been wanting some items. Sample set from etat libre d'orange. New pair of shoes to replace my not so comfortable ones. New perfumes.

Speaking of which, my order from Fabled Fragrances has arrived and I am very happy with this particular purchase. A 10ml bottle of Incubus (which is a beautifully smokey blend), and some samples.

This brand deserve more attention in my opinion. They are certainly unique in their own ways. They are not made to be like a perfume, but to provoke a certain image. If you have sniffed enough perfumes from a cosmetics store, you know what I am talking about when it comes to being generic. Fabled Fragrances will not give you that.

When I want to purchase another perfume, I go sniff those I already own and try to convince myself that I do not need another one. I can use up an entire bottle of perfume, including 100ml, of which is an accomplishment on its own. Many perfume collectors never finish a bottle.

I had a plan on doing a project pan on perfumes, to trim down my collection, to keep only those I really enjoy using and would repurchase if they ever run out. It would probably be a challenge as my preference will shift over time, the perfumes I purchased years ago does not fit my liking anymore. 

Anyway. Keeping the bottle count small can help build a unique profile. If I end up not liking the perfume half way through, good, I have one less to repurchase. If I ended up liking it more, then I have found my signature.

I have planned on keeping at most 3 perfumes from each brand. Excluding BPAL because those I would repurchase have exceeded 3 long time ago... 

Such a shame that Alizarin and Bayolea from Penhaligon's have been discontinued. The three bottles I would keep from Penhaligon's is going to be within Alizarin, Sartorial and Engymion EDP... and Bayoea.

Those I intend to use up and not purchase a new one:

Penhaligon's Juniper Sling (this is going to be easy because it is light and work appropriate)

Penhaligon's English Fern (this is going to be tough because the smell has changed over time)

Frederic Malle French Lover (I would take a bottle of Monsieur after this bottle is gone)

BPAL Western Diamondback

Lush The Bug (I have 2 bottles of it)

There are less impulse purchases, that, I am proud of. Yet there is one more thing that I need o learn: it is okay to own things.

I have entered a state of desperate de-cluttering. Getting rid of clothing, books, items that I do not see myself utilizing in the near future. When I remind myself there is something in my possession that I found no use of, I get anxious and want to get rid of it immediately.

In reality, that thing can sit at the bottom of my drawer and there is no difference in my life, if I own that item or not.