20 JAN 2021

The death of our cat Frank hasn't been registered in my brain, yet.

He had been dehydrated and it took 2 weeks before he get an ultrasound.

The day after he got an ultrasound, he appeared to be very sick. He was admitted the very night. 

He was gone the next day.

All I know was that mom went to see him at noon. And brought him back. 

I was wondering why he was covered, and mom began finding things for him.

The first thing she got was a box. She always put passed cats in cardboard box with their beloved toys.

At that moment I knew he was dead.

It was all so sudden. Last night he was having multi organ failure and the next he was gone.

The previous cats spend their last moments at home. Mom brought them back when nothing else can be done.

I thought it was the same when mom took him home.

He had 6 good years with us and it was his time. There was nothing else to be said. 

I thought grief was ripples on the water and death was the stone.

There was no ripple on my end. The stone was all that registered in my brain. It was like I have went through all the stages of grief in a second.

Was it because I have witnessed the death of 3 of our cats before that I just accept the fact so easily?

I do feel emotions, but it does not feel personal. I do miss him, but not that much. Life goes on as if nothing ever happened.

The death of our cat is just the death of our cat.

Gone. Forever.

What is life? What is consciousness? 

If there was no consciousness there was  no point in living. Life become a phenomenon.

Hypnos is the the brother of Thanatos.

Sleep is temporary death. Without pain and commitment. 

The great horror of death is absent in sleep. All because we know that we can just wake up.

If death was eternal slumber, it would be so appealing that I myself would love to have it.

To avoid life itself is to seek death. Earthly possessions and connections bound us to life.

If there were no purpose, there is no life. Whether or not the purpose being, simply 'not to die'. 

Man seek purpose in life. If there is none, they become frustrated as if the entire world is on fire.

The idea of a higher purpose, a religion, seems ideal.

18 Jan 2021

So I began exploring the brand Etat Libre d'Orange and brought a bottle of de Sade blind.

Scent of the day (I guess)

Attaquer le Soleil Marquis de Sade

The only listed note is labdanum. The scent is of course very heavy on incense, and reminds me of L'orpheline from Serege Lutens.

L'orpheline is more intense, and somewhat woody. Marquis de Sade on the other hand, is slightly sweet and evoke a damp feeling while L'orpheline is definitely bone dry.

The longevity on Marquis de Sade is incredible. I applied around 6 sprays on my clothes, and the scent is detectable from arm length throughout the day. When I sniffed my clothes the day after, it is still pretty much there.

L'orpheline is much stronger and lasts for eternity, it is the most long lasting perfume I own. One spray is more than enough for the day. Still, I prefer Marquis de Sade over L'orpheline. It is hard not to apply too much of L'orpheline when it is so strong. I feel myself suffocating over one spray of it. Marquis de Sade on the other hand, even if I need to apply more of it, I gain more control over how much to apply without sacrificing longevity and silage. The slight sweetness to it makes it less aggressive and more tolerable when a lot was applied.

13 JAN 2021

Few things happened during this week.

Frank Frank got admitted too the hospital. He was dehydrated and was not eating much. 

On Monday he had ultrasound and confirmed that it was a kidney problem. The next day he got admitted to the hospital, which was yesterday.

And the first thing I did after my no buy month was to purchase a bottle of Attaquer le Soleil Marquis de Sade. It was a blind buy, and impulse purchase, and I don't really know why I got it. Anyway, it arrived today. 

The scent resembled something I already have in my collection: L'orpheline. Of which the only drawback is its insane projection.

It is not good value for the money. You get more longevity and projection from L'orpheline, meaning that you only have to use a little. But at least it is something I would use for a long time.

Overall I am quite happy with my purchase. Although it was completely unnecessary and I feel like I have two of the same thing. But it's a picture of Marquis de Sade on the bottle, I'm happy to have that in my collection.

As I do not plan this purchase, I have no room planned for it, and I have to squeeze it in the cabinet where I store my perfumes. Now I feel sorry for ruining the perfect organization of that cabinet and for the money I paid.

I often cope with stress by shopping. It was undoubtedly an impulse purchase and I had the thought of returning it the day after.

There is a need for a longer no buy time frame.

I need to rethink my collection of perfumes. In general, I wear them for work, going out with friends and family, and staying home enjoying more unusual perfumes.

For work: Endymion EDP, Juniper Sling, Bayolea 

As my working environment is a closed space with air conditioning, I tend to wear less offensive perfumes that do not project too far. I also want the perfume I wear to please the general public, or at least be welcoming.

For going out: L'orpheline, French Lover, Samhainophobia, Alizarin

Hello to my beast mode perfumes. When I wear perfume with my all black outfit, I want it to be as offensive as possible, and scream 'if you can smell this, you are too close'. Yup, a freaking goth edgelord.

Perfumes are a form of self expression, an extension of self, a weapon. What it says cannot stray too far from what you want yourself to be seen as. When the perfume says otherwise, people get confused.

I have too many perfumes to wear at home. I am willing to wear almost anything. I do not have to worry about the perfume saying the opposite of my personality, which is what I tend to avoid outside.

4 JAN 2021

First post on 2021.

I am currently on a 'no buy' month, 1 week to go and I think I have saved a good amount of money.

The more I let things sit on my cart, the less I want them. Most of the things that went through this process was an item that I want, instead of need.

Of course, I have been wanting some items. Sample set from etat libre d'orange. New pair of shoes to replace my not so comfortable ones. New perfumes.

Speaking of which, my order from Fabled Fragrances has arrived and I am very happy with this particular purchase. A 10ml bottle of Incubus (which is a beautifully smokey blend), and some samples.

This brand deserve more attention in my opinion. They are certainly unique in their own ways. They are not made to be like a perfume, but to provoke a certain image. If you have sniffed enough perfumes from a cosmetics store, you know what I am talking about when it comes to being generic. Fabled Fragrances will not give you that.

When I want to purchase another perfume, I go sniff those I already own and try to convince myself that I do not need another one. I can use up an entire bottle of perfume, including 100ml, of which is an accomplishment on its own. Many perfume collectors never finish a bottle.

I had a plan on doing a project pan on perfumes, to trim down my collection, to keep only those I really enjoy using and would repurchase if they ever run out. It would probably be a challenge as my preference will shift over time, the perfumes I purchased years ago does not fit my liking anymore. 

Anyway. Keeping the bottle count small can help build a unique profile. If I end up not liking the perfume half way through, good, I have one less to repurchase. If I ended up liking it more, then I have found my signature.

I have planned on keeping at most 3 perfumes from each brand. Excluding BPAL because those I would repurchase have exceeded 3 long time ago... 

Such a shame that Alizarin and Bayolea from Penhaligon's have been discontinued. The three bottles I would keep from Penhaligon's is going to be within Alizarin, Sartorial and Engymion EDP... and Bayoea.

Those I intend to use up and not purchase a new one:

Penhaligon's Juniper Sling (this is going to be easy because it is light and work appropriate)

Penhaligon's English Fern (this is going to be tough because the smell has changed over time)

Frederic Malle French Lover (I would take a bottle of Monsieur after this bottle is gone)

BPAL Western Diamondback

Lush The Bug (I have 2 bottles of it)

There are less impulse purchases, that, I am proud of. Yet there is one more thing that I need o learn: it is okay to own things.

I have entered a state of desperate de-cluttering. Getting rid of clothing, books, items that I do not see myself utilizing in the near future. When I remind myself there is something in my possession that I found no use of, I get anxious and want to get rid of it immediately.

In reality, that thing can sit at the bottom of my drawer and there is no difference in my life, if I own that item or not.