20 JUNE 2022

 It has been 3 weeks since I started taking testosterone.

I have eaten more and gained weight since.

Also I gave myself a sideshave and dyed my hair bright blue. felt more comfortable with my haircut. I don't really mind my hairline, it is fine. just don't go further back than it is already.

As for gender expression, I have found myself leaning more towards masculine than feminine. People still perceive me as feminine because of my body and feminine features, I don't really mind anymore.

However I dress, people will perceive it as masculine or feminine largely based on my body. Because I do not dress extremely masculine nor feminine.

I have a very feminine body, despite binding on a daily basis. That I think is the reason why I lean towards msaculine expressions to compensate.

There is no typical way of dressing non-binary, I think. Even if you have a beard and wear heels, people see you as drag. 

 

I don't think I can ever develop a beard. Not that I want one.

I do feel more at home with my body despite gaining weight, and I do feel like I want to work out and build a more muscular body. I want to feel proud of my appearance, and be able to see I worked hard to look good.

I used to think I would feel dysphoric about gaining weight, surprisingly I ...kinda don't? It that because I feel like I am gaining muscle instead of fat? I am getting bigger for sure, but I don't really know if it is muscle of fat. I am still quite squishy! The only thing is, my face has gotten rounder and fatter...

10 JUNE 2022

Well. The last week was not interesting. But I have made peace with the fact that I took testosterone and nothing happened. Also got over the fear of telling my mom because, it is what it is. 

 

Regarding my identity as gender X. There is no social conatruct for third gender, yet. Trying to put non-binary people in different boxes that define gender is just not right. There is no social construct for their gender role. There is no physical attribute to non-binary. It is chaotic.

 

I have an assignment due in 2 weeks and I have not began writing it.

Gave myself a side shave and bleached my hair. It was so harsh on the hair I decided to leave bleaching the 3rd time and dyeing it blue for later.

 

When I said I would be fine with just two weeks to live, it was more than lyrical reference. I genuinely want to be so sick that I cannot be expected to achieve anything. And be applaued for just being alive.

 

i don't want to live but I don't feel like ending my life just yet. Just barely hanging on.

I know that I am unable to take criticism. Grtting things done and not just give up is too damn hard. I am exausted. The way I pick myself up and still go to work, did laundry and get dressed was a miracle.

2 JUNE 2022

It has been 2 days since my first dose of T was injected.

4ml for 8 weeks.

So far the only thing that happened was the pain on my bum where it was injected.

Oh well.

Also I have received my BPAL order recently. I ordered so many that they gave me 2 free 5ml bottles... ummm, thank you for the freebies!

My eyes did hurt for 3 days straight after LASIK. It was okay now.

18 MAY 2022

 It has been a while since I have posted.

I got myself a part time job, studied, and got laser eye surgery.

Got myself a turtle.

Later I will begin HRT and medically transition.

Lets talk about these subjects one by one.

I got myself a part time job at a sushi place. Worked like 40 hours per week and I asked to work for maximum 4 days per week. That means around 30 to 40 hours.

The pay was not very good, but was decent to say the least. It was not difficult at all, just... was either making sushi and being the cashier.

I am out of the closet at work, and to everyone else, but I think people just think that I am 'a weird girl'. Whatever. I am doing this for myself, not for others to see me a certain way.

I got laser eye surgery (smile) in feb. Still have 150 astigmatism and the doctor will perform LASIK on me later this month to correct that.

The fact that my eyesight is still bad after the surgery and was unable to get glasses because the eyes were healing and its condition will change quite rapidly during the healing, has got me quite depressed and did overdose on paracetamol one day.

As I am having quite a bit of money to manage on my own I have decided to eventually begin medical transition. That is taking testosterone.

Have seen the doctor and she said we can begin if the blood test came out normal.

I will see her in 2 weeks.

Also I have not talked about this with my mother and I do not know what she will make of it. This is giving me a lot of anxiety.

Medically transitioning is like getting out of the closet and shouting out 'I am TRANS' to everybody.

People who does not know me just assume that I am cis female and that is going to change (probably?). That thought is intimidating.

The thing about medically or surgically transition is that it is quite permanent. Making permanent changes to your own body is scary. Part of me knows that I am trans all along and part of me worried that I will detrans eventually. Who knows? Being myself that happened to be non binary is kind of hard already.

 

All the possible downsides of taking T can be worth it  if my voice becomes lower. If that is not happening, well, other changes will happen, right?

I am too occupied with my own anxiety right now to care about anything else. 

 

Also I got a pet turtle. The name is :) and she eats a lot. I once saw her eat her own poop.

 

My best friend is going to another country and I do not know what to make of it. I wanted to gift my friend with all the things that I found interesting because I am afraid that I will be unable to send them gifts in the future. But at the same time I am worried that these things will cause trouble because it means taking more things overseas. Do I or do I not get them food instead? That can easily be get rid of.

Also something I have discovered is that I really like taking showers. Not baths, but showers. Mainly because of using stuff that smell nice in the shower.This is good because deep in my depression I barely shower. 

Two of my friends have gifted me with shower related stuff, I have no idea. Never told them I'd like these things because I like showers and it is a consumable, and that just show how much they know me.

About me (ver. May 2022)

It has been a while since I last updated. So here it is.

 

This is the blog of D.E. 

This blog is a place where I write down thoughts that are going through my head and where I am in life.

I go by they/them pronouns. Also I'm bisexual.

I am also vegetarian and does not smoke.

I do have depression and anxiety. Self harm, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and eating disorder may or may not be discussed here.

More about me.

I live with 4 cats and 1 turtle.

Have a collection of perfumes, incense and antique teacups.

Like hand dripped coffee and black tea a lot. These may find their way into my blog posts as well.

1 SEP 2021

So I went and asked if a store is hiring. Obviously they are, but I wanted to work part time. They scheduled an interview on the day after and I got the job.

I was extremely anxious that morning, and surprisingly not so much before the interview. 

When I arrived at the store they told me they would get in touch and I gave them my phone number. When they called, I was at work. I watched them hang up and called again. 

Gathering all the courage in my life to pick up. They told me to come in the next day.

That night, I was so close to giving up completely and actually wanted to kill myself so that I don't have to go to the interview.

I was so convinced that nobody would want to hire me and whatever job I get, they would find out how not capable I am.

In fact, there was a lot of interviews that I haven't showed up to.

There was so much anxiety. My hair, blue and long. My ears and eyebrows, with so many piercings. Me, shy and awkward, getting the most simple of things wrong all the time.

"I will leave it to tomorrow's self as today's self doesn't want to bother thinking about it." That's what I said that night.

On a lot of medications and after a lot of sleep, I felt better. And came to the interview.

Before I know it they told me I will be working there starting from next week.

The manager seemed to be a nice person. I don't need to justify myself much, which was my greatest fear.

What motivated me to get another part time job is more money to buy perfume. The job I have at the moment was... it wasn't going to afford a lot of expensive water in a bottle.

I promised myself a bottle of Dzing! if I got hired. I placed the order, and spent my evening searching for new perfumes to sniff. 

Good day, a good day indeed.

18 JUL 2021

It has been a while. I stopped updating because I was too caught up in my eating disorder.

I have lost around 5 to 6kg since April. forgot where i started at.

My eating habuts were mostly restricting intake to 500 to 800 kcal per day.

Towards the end of last year, I have failed to fit in the clothes I wore the year before. I stopped having an extra bowl of noodles at night. 

Then I had protein shake for breakfast (instead of bread). Things went downhill since May. I have began counting calories, weighing myself every day and eventually every time I eat or drink or after I went to the bathroom.

I remembered being just as absorbed in my eating disorder few years before, when I had a high restrictive diet and I was out of it quite fast because my weight plateaued.

There was nothing as exciting as seeing the numbers on the scale drop. Boom. Instant results. Unlike practically anything in life, I finally had somthing I have control over. I starved, and I get results.

My first goal weight was at a BMI of 15.6. I am currently less than 1kg away from it. 

After realizing hitting that goal weight would not make much of a difference (given than I am underweight at the start of this), I lowered my goal weight to a BMI of 14.

That would make a difference, wouldn't it? 

I suspect that I would never be satisfied unless I was inpatient. That would prove that I am thin.

I literally cannot see myself as being thin. I look at a picture of a person and think that I am at least 5kg heavier but when I overlay the picture I took of myself over it, I am actually the more skinny one. Body dysmorphia did me dirty.

Every day I think that I am actually eating, I am just on a diet I am not like those who fast for days. I am just on a diet. That's it, I am not skinny enough to have a problem.

I want people to notice my weight loss, but at the same time I don't want them to because that would mean they definitely knows that I am fat before.

There is nothing like knowing that I am losing weight. Not skinny yet, a work in progress nonetheless. I love myself when I fast. 

At the same time I buy clothes in 2XL to hide my body. Oversize is on trend every now and then, right?

It is addictive. To have control over something, and being rewarded with results every so often.

Wanting to be so ill that my life revolve around this. Wanting to be so ill that nothing can bother me. Wanting to suceed in the only thing I am good at. 

My ego is so inflated and at the same time so defeated. 

Loving it when I feel my bones. Hating it when I feel soft tissue underneath my skin.

More and more hair fall out when I wash it.

Feeling dizzy and lost vision for a few seconds every time I stand up.

Having stomachache every time I ate more than usual.

I lie to myself that I will eat normally when I reached my goal weight, when in fact I do not know if I will be able to.

I lie to myself that I can eat without counting calories when I reached my goal weight, when in fact the goal weight will only be lower and lower.

I lie to myself that I will be okay, when I skipped vitamins and protein for the sake of restricting more.

I want to be told that I am thin. That I am thin enough and don't need to lose more. But I know for a fact that those are close to me told me that same thing when my BMI was 18.5.

The usual 'thinspo' does not to the job. I look for pictures where people look like they were about to die from their low body weight for triggers.

I want to be so thin that I 'beat' those are in the pictures.